i'm ridiculously in love with big. i'm in new zealand and it's beautiful--like autumn in maine with a mega steroid assist. things are going well and i'm happy. i'm ready to be done with travelling and can't wait for sydney. i'm still nervous, but almost too tired to care. i'm ready to explode my bag, decorate a space, have clean clothes available, and just live somewhere. exes shmexes. go ahead ladies, rip me to shreds.

i want to poke someone's eyes out and seeing as how big is the only person i spend time with, it will most likely be his. i feel like i am on a disneyland track through southeast asia. a track that has been done before. like a million times. i hate that he's been to all of these places before. and i'm getting frustrated that we never step away from "big's routine guide through asia".

bangkok-bella bella guest house. koh phangon-haad yuan; bamboo hut. siem reap-green town guest house. phnom penh-okay guesthouse. pai-ben's place.

it's just all been done before and hate wondering how many other women he's already taken to all of these places. i crave something new. leave the safety and comforts of constantly knowing what to expect. is he trying to relive good experiences/memories with me? i want to be unique. not just another chick that he's traveled in southeast asia with. and i want him to be consumed with me to the point where every single reference he makes no longer pertains to ex-girlfriends.

zoe zoe zoe. kristin kristin kristin. margaret margaret margaret. lisa lisa lisa. please shut the fuck up.

i'm sure you had fun times and that's great, but i really don't want to hear about your ex-girlfriends daily. i have ex stories too. i guess i'm just not inclined to incessantly bring them up. tell me stories about you; not stories about you with [girlfriend X #1, #2, etc.]. do you constantly talk about them, because you constantly think about them? hearing about them makes me think you're really not over it. and in that case, i'm just wasting my fucking time.

i'm insanely bratty today.

I'VE ALREADY SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THIS INTERNET CAFE. THIS E-MAIL SUMS IT ALL UP FOR TODAY...

from Nix Mix <[nix_mix e-mail here]@gmail.com> wrote:

Hiiiiiiiiiiii
This is my new email address. trying to simplify things.
So sorry I haven't written back to you sooner.
I love you and I miss you and I need you more than ever.
i hope you are doing well. How are things with big? Better I hope. I hope you are find it easier to communicate.
I'm so happy for you and I am very glad you are doing this and doing something that Luca wants to do.
So, are you going to be headed to Austraila or not?
Sounds like you had an amazing birthday.
Again, sorry I'm just now commenting on things you wrote almost a month ago-- but--- as for the find faults in relationships thing- i really think that if it's not the right relationship for us to be with, its our subconscious way of trying to get out of the relationship. trust me- i've been in enough bad realtionships, enough that you have witnessed to know this is true. otherwise, things will find a way of working out. communication is key.
how did things work out with your mom before you left? i hope everything is okay with you two.


well, it's almost noon time here and i'm still in bed. i'm taking a mental health day today. woke up at 6am- walked downstairs and told my mom i wasn't going out on the boat today.
talked to Amix last night- and a whole bunch of shit has changed. i'm warning you- i'm going to sound very negative and bitchy becuase i've written several emails this morning to Navy people and other Navy wifes, filling them in on what's going on with us- but I can't vent and be bitchy to them cuase i'm afraid it will get back to amix.
so- here it goes.
was supposed to be leaving for italy the end of october. with amix. he's in san diego now doing some training that is supposed to end on the 17th. after arrival in sicily together- he was supposed to have a 3 week indoc course before getting assigned to his detatchment (det.). a det is a group of 6-8 people of which he will be in charge of. from there he would have several months work-up or prep time with them before being deployed. so this is what i thought would happen- travel over with husband, have plenty of time to find house and get settled, get a cat because i really want a fuckin cat- and then i prepare myself for his deployment.

so last night i get the call- and i knew this was going to fuckin happen- i new it- cuase everything was so goddamned perfect. he said that another officer in charge of a det. called him yesterday morning from italy. saying that his det and one other are doing joint team training in Norfolk together- preparing for deployment (i thnk to iraq). he says to amix that the other det needs an officer and he asked amix if he would be up for the job. of course, amix being the person he is gets all excited and says yes- which is really the only choice he had. so now looks as if he'll be leaving San Diego a day or to early to go to norfork for one month. during this time they are in the field the entire time practing and shit. from there- they go back to their unit in sicily- (amix will be getting there for the first time). then they have just a couple more weeks of really hard training there and then they deploy. adam is guessing that they will be deploying by the end of december, beginning of january. i have a terrible feeling it will be before xmas.
so in the meantime- i have no idea when i'm getting there. probably not until the end of november. i have no idea if i'm travelling with him or not. i have no idea if i'll even get to see him more than once or twice before he deploys.
i'm so frusterated and overwhelemed and def not ready for this yet. i knew it would happen sooner or later but i just haven't had any time to prepare myself for any of it. so of course as soon as he tells me last night i burst into tears and i'm in hysterics the entire time. he told me to be stronger and all this other bullshit. but i just can't yet cause it hasn't sunk in. i don't even know how long he'll be away for. there are dome det's that are deployed for a year at a time. i'm scared.
so i'm just being a negative asshole today and staying in bed.

well, i need an update on you and need things to distract my mind. sorry for this long sloppy email. i don't feel like spell checking so please ignore my spelling mistakes. i'm really not that stupid.
hope you're well and getting nice and tan.
i love you.
nix

[LUCA RESPONSE]

heyy!
i can't even tell you how perfect your timing is with this e-mail...
i'm lonely and desperate and would do anything to curl up with you on a couch and watch chick flicks--really sad ones, because i want to vent and cry and it sounds like you do too. i can't even comprehend your situation.you are way stronger than i am, because i could never commit to that. i'm proud of you. i really have no advice to give--blah blah blah stay strong bullshit. this must be so so hard for you. it really seems that amix has been dicked around from the begininning and it must be awful not knowing what lies ahead. it seems like a lot of waiting and must be extremely frustrating. amix must be excited that he is being deployed--send my congrats to him (as hard as that may be).

things here are a little insane...
i'm trying to just go with the flow. i'm in cambodia right now; phnom penh (capitol city). big and i left the white sandy beaches of koh penghan, thailand about two weeks ago ( i think. my time scale is all whacked). we spent a day in bangkok getting things figured out and, because big needed to renew his visa, we decided to cross the border into cambodia. it seemed crazy to just step in and out, so we decided to see the wats (temples--some buddhist, some hindu). about 30 temples later, i decided that i couldn't stomach another temple, despite the fact that they were the most incredible and beautiful things i had ever seen. they are located in siem reap and after 4 days there, we took the bus south to phnom penh. i think that brings us to the present. sort of.

big and i are doing so well...
almost broke up after i last wrote to you. had a bit of an explosion, but no yelling--just honest communication,which was totally needed. we decided that we were 100% into eachother and that from that point on would communicate honestly about everything. then i got super sick--crazy fever and i just wanted to be home (and then i remembered that i don't have one). i never said goodbye to sally. she wouldn't even look at me when i last saw her and i never saw her when i got back from CT. we've started writing eachother over e-mail. really basic communication, but she sent me an e-card on my birthday, which was nice.

ok, so here comes the insanity...
big and i were out walking the streets several days back and stumbled upon this amazing little store (here on out referred to as [store X]). i fell in love with their product--BAGS!! well, big, quite the entrepeneur, says "wow, i'd love to import these to australia". and i think that's when it happened. he ran the idea by the shop owner (also the designer and company owner) and before we knew it, everything was full swing. we've been in and out of business meetings, design meetings. there's an opening of the new product line tomorrow that we are attending. it looks like i'll be business partner in all of this and working as a sales representative. it's all happened so fast and i don't know that i want to change my life all around for this, but it's all very exciting. big and i are both hesitant at times, but he says i can have as much or as little involvement as i want--he knows i don't like commitment. i'm excited.

so here's my problem with all of this...
big is great at listening to my input and hearing my concerns, but i feel like i'm about to be pushed to the side in all of this. he's brought his ex-girlfriend in to deal with the e-com side of everything and she's already running with it--talking marketing and bringing in other people. i know it's important to have everything covered, but FUCK--i don't want to be attached to the hip of his ex (who i kind of replaced and i think he was still sleeping with up until this past summer). it's a bit of jealousy, obviously, but i've all of a sudden become this background character to this overpowering business chick. i almost want out now and if offered a perminent position (on the right boat), i think i'd take it. i'm a leading lady, not an extra and i think if i were to walk out unexpectedly, it would be a really powerful statement. maybe my priorities are out of whack.

but for now...
i'm just going to go with the flow. i head to new zealand to babysit during the OB symposium on october 18th and will be in australia by november 1st. even if i'm a background character, i will just live off of big, sell bags, and surf. ha--and here i am complaining. on paper it all sounds just perfect. i'm going to be working with the designer on the prototype of what we're hoping to sell and am getting a custom bag to throw around and test (a bag that will ultimately be sold for at least $100). i'll try and get you one soon. also, if adam isn't around, what's your plan? i'll dump big, and we'll get an apartment in sydney and sell bags!! hehe.

i love you and miss you. ps--read "emergency sex"--it's my recent favorite book. you'll be addicted and you need to escape for a little while.

LO
VE,
LUCA.
sorry this was so long!!!

i just spent an hour and a half at the bookstore on 240 street. i left empty handed. walked back to the guest house and on my way, decided that if other people's books can't inspire me, i'll just write my own. but i'm travelling with a light pack and my computer is in storage in bangkok. clearly can't handwrite a book. absurd.

as i walk, i think about what makes a good book and decide it needs to fly by. easy to follow and rapid time progression (or percieved time progression). personally, as a reader, i like finishing--and i finish quickly when a book just moves me along. upon finishing, i can then prove myself as an educated, intelligent reader. "why, yes--i did read that. wasn't the protagonist just fascinating?"

check! another book finished, another badge earned.

so i decide my book will have a contrived progression--maybe a countdown or dated entries. and they'll be short entries and the reader will feel like they are getting somewhere--even if my writing sucks and they are just reading in circles.

i decide that writing a book without any content is a fucking waste of time, so i make a second trip to the bookstore--a different one. the one at the center of town--same name, but they deal in new and used, so there's a different selection. big brings over a book that he says he enjoyed--a river sutra. i'm on page 6 and have returned to writing despite my lack of computer--and lack of content.

i'm in cambodia, on a hammock, and it is raining--the sky is a consistent whitish grey and the music in this common area of the guest house is way too loud.

there are several people here--reading, lounging. there's a woman sitting on a red cushion about 15 feet away. she's wearing a denim jumper, but it doesn't suit her or really fit that well. i've seen her a couple of times in this common area. she never looks comfortable with herself and there is something awkward about her. i've concluded that i am superior to her and am frustrated with myself for my natural shallow tendencies of unjustifiable judgement. out of the corner of my eye, i can see that she's watching me as i write. she stares while moving awkwardly to the loud music. she looks as though she is intrigued by me--and my writing. maybe she's watching me before she gets enough courage to ask me about what i am writing. perhaps she simply wants to befriend me. i don't give her the time of day.

when did i become so cruel?

i think about this question that i've intended to be rhetorical and after about 10 seconds decide it was some time between high school graduation and freshman year of college. since then, there have been bouts of good and eras of evil. i blame 9 years of living in pure dysfunction with sally and matt. it's my easy out, but i happily take it.

between me and the inferior staring denim jumper wearer, is big. he's reading the book that i finished this morning--the one that sent me scouring the shelves of phnom penh. there is awkward air between us and i know it's solely dependent on the fact that i was a complete shit to him after our [product X] meeting with j&e. i don't know what my problem was. is, rather. i'm still being a little bitch.

the house's dog wanders over and plops down next to the hammock. i rub him and pat him and he soaks it up as if he doesn't get much attention. the workers all look over in what i pretend to be amazement and i secretly want them to tell me i'm the only guest the dog has ever allowed to touch him. as i look over to jumper wearer, i wonder why i need this upper hand. i pat the dog as we make eye contact.

i pretend she's jealous.

she stands up to leave and my focus shifts to big. he's clenching his jaw as he reads. in the time that i have known him, about a year and a half now, i've associated his jaw clenching with him thinking and i wonder if he is really reading or just thinking behind the protection of EMERGENCY SEX. good book. good title. i wonder what i will name my book. wonder if people will read it. do i want people to read it? i picture oprah adding it to her booklist and bringing me onto her show. i've always wanted to be famous.

"hello. i'm luca--the judgemental, heartless, bore you've all read about. thanks for having me, oprah. hello america."

i've relocated to the bedroom. it was initially a bathroom break. i had been needing to piss for a while, so i sluggishly got out of the hammock and walked with radiating attitude past big. he didn't look up, but i'm sure he noticed. i open the door to our small room and flick the light to our bathroom. it takes a while for the flourescent light to flicker on and begin its almost comforting buzz. i look into the mirror as i undo my calvin klein belt. i look frightening. the humidity has made it so that my hair appears to be taking lift off. the flourescent light accentuates my three month old dye job, which was initially a deep maroon, but now sits in white trash orange chunks on top of a frizzy mess that i don't quite know what to do with. my skin is the color of death and looks as though it could sluff off at any moment.

i sit my corpse on the pot and relieve myself. i reach for the toilet paper and then remember--it has been moved out onto the bed to prevent it from getting wet during showers. i sigh before standing up and waddling out into the bedroom--shorts around my ankles and underwear at my knees. by the time i grab the toilet paper, i have piss dripping down my leg and wiping really isn't an issue anymore. but i do it anyway.

i picture big walking in at this very moment; the door open so that the common area gets a peak.

"why, hello awkward jumper girl. look at me in all of my stumbling, corpse-like, naked glory. take a good look, for i am your superior."

she was probably just staring, because i look like such a freak. and here i was--just ripping her to shreads.

god, i'm an ass.

phnom penh is growing on me. we've relocated to "the top banana" guest house and though the name is pretty ridiculous, my overall state of being has improved--immensely. thought the room is smaller, doesn't have blankets for the bed, and doesn't have the option for hot water, it has a window that looks out to the people below. it sounds minor, but it really has changed everything. and i've been reading. EMERGENCY SEX. i fell in love. i've finished it now, but it has left me with optimism that there are good books out there. i had begun to lose hope. big and i are doing well and are on a kick to import [product X] to AUS. it could potentially mean retirement, but do i really want to be a sales girl? i think not. i'm flexible though.

the idea of being attached to the hip of big's ex-girlfriends is infuriating. "i know, "let's call [girlfriend X] to the rescue." the fact that it's the first thing that gushes out of his mouth is just starnge to me. sweet, and let's invite her for a sleepover too. it's a bit of jealousy, but also the fact that he gives these woman say prior to giving it to me. plus, i guess i don't really want to be in a relationship where my partner's entourage is made up of the women he's screwed over the past ten years. vomit. i dunno, it just doesn't really appeal.

I feel like a kid that misbehaved during class and for punishment is now restricted from next week’s field trip. Maybe the only similarities are the cause and effect—misbehavior and restriction. If it were as simple as a student being barred from the MET, I’d simply throw a tantrum and have my mother call to reverse the sentence. But that’s not the case. Instead, my whole world is once again upside down and I’m left kicking for the chair just inches below my feet as I dangle from the rope tied to the ceiling beam. What a waste of time and energy this has been. That’s where I am at today, anyway. Yesterday was better—I was more understanding and less dramatic, but today I can’t help myself. I’m in world behind my eyeballs and I can’t force bubbly caitlin out. I now have less than a month to figure out my next chapter and as of yesterday it does not resemble anything I had previously conjured. [CHAPTER 3—Luca returns to the US with her tail between her legs. She is homeless, carless, and jobless.] Who knows, maybe if I’m a good girl I’ll be allowed to continue on to AUS.

…But for now: slap on the wrist, “Bad Luca, no Australia for you”.

I pooped today and it smelled like mango. I’m perfectly fine with that.

I’m getting more and more used to just doing nothing. I am less stressed than I have been. I am fine that too.

I saw a snake in the water this morning. It was the color of the sand and in a massive coil. My earring fell out and was lying on the bottom about 2 feet away. I got it and scurried out in a semi-panicked way.

Big and I suck lately. I’m just today beginning to like him again, but I’m pretty sure he likes me less. Probably because I have been a shit these past few days. I’m not sure what our problem is—what my problem is. I’m just slightly off. Big says it’s soul delay—I like the idea. My soul hasn’t quite caught up after traveling. And I guess now, that I am in this remote cove and not accessible by road, it hasn’t quite found me. Maybe it’ll arrive for my birthday tomorrow.

I’m in Koh Phangan. I feel ridiculous. I’m surrounded by beautiful people in a beautiful cove with excellent food and have a perfect bungalow. Just slightly out of place. I should be working.

I love it here though. It’s more resorty than I had thought it would be—had been anticipating a less discovered/more third world feel. The water is breathtaking. It’s very close to our bungalow—the crashing waves kept me up late.

We will probably stay here for at least two weeks, which means my birthday will be spent here. I think I’m happy about that. Hopefully we will have a few more friends by then. A friend from Boston happened to be staying here as well. So strange, but Big had recommended it to him knowing that he was heading to Thailand and he stayed a while longer knowing that we were on our way out.

I have stupid hair and miss my straightener. Most of the time it doesn’t even look like it’s attached to my head—just off in its own little absurd world. The other women here have wonderful hair. I don’t quite understand. Hopefully I’m only looking ridiculous to myself.

I’m having a hard time falling back into relationship mode. I think I am used to being the dominant one in a relationship, but I definitely cower and default to Big. I am trying not to. I need to work on being more independent—primarily in social settings. I’m feeling weak and lame.

He has been semi-snotty and I don’t like how he acts when he doesn’t get his way. I had only seen this once back in the states. Irritated that our service was slow—got bratty and was rude to our server. It’s happening more here—maybe a superiority thing? Got rude with a tailor, because the clothes didn’t quite fit and again when instant coffee was brought and not filter. It really got to me. Both seemed so minor.

Hopefully, he gets over himself and this is the last I’ll ever complain about him.

PS—sex in Bangkok was incredible.

This plane smells like vomit and diarrhea. It is possible that somebody yacked in the ventilation system and now the smell of it is being distributed throughout the plane. I’m heading to Detroit now. There is a big football type sitting next to me—about my age and I can’t help thinking about H on my mid-may Logan to Seattle trip. I think I am in love with him.

Football dude is not my type, but it would be nice to have someone to chat with. I’m bored out of my mind. He’s glued to the window. I guess I’ll just sit here and type.

I never said goodbye to Sally. Maybe I will call from Michigan. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have service where she is and the only number I have for her is her cell. I’ll leave a message.

Yesterday, I spent the day making Scab a birthday gift. It came out fairly well—I think she’ll like it. She may not love the picture, but hopefully she’ll get over it—it was the only one that fit. I printed it as an 8x10, framed it, and hung it on her wall with a bow. God, I am good—a little last minute, but good nonetheless.

Well, here I am. Back in my room, but it isn’t my room anymore. If I were to yell, it would probably echo, but I’m too nervous to yell. Sally isn’t here, but I still feel like I am walking on eggshells. I returned from CT today. My dad drove me back up—in his minivan. I felt like I was in junior high.

There is nothing here of mine except for the two bags that I fly out with tomorrow and my laptop. The only thing that I had left in my room was a world map on the west wall. Quite symbolic. Ha. Sally clearly hadn’t seen the humor in it and had ripped it down. It was on the floor.

CT was good. Quaint. I felt out of place—I always do when I am there. I try to mold—to the best of my ability. It’s a little bizarre. A middle class dreamland—cul-de-sac and all. Modular home, 3 athletic sons, big yard with a garden, big screen TV, blonde mom (5’8”, 120 lbs; runner), and a pug. My dad has a ride-on mower. It’s eerie. I got a pedicure and found myself frequently clicking aimlessly through their bajillion digital cable channels.

My stomach is all knotted and being ridiculous. I have the shits. I think it is a culmination of things—flying, leaving for an indefinite period of time, losing my best friend/mother, lack of support, too little time in a day. My flight is from Logan at noon. Logan to Detroit to Narita and then to Bangkok. Big will meet me at the airport. I miss him. I’ve been having terrible dreams about him, though. Dreams where he is constantly with other woman. In reality, I don’t know that I’d mind him being with other woman, but in the dreams I am insecure and crazy and I wake up all edgy. Edgy—I think that accurately sums up the past couple of weeks.

Sally is crazier than my words can possibly convey. I understand that she may be jealous, lonely, and feel that she is lacking support, but my staying could not possibly help her. She is a financial nightmare—the money pit to end all money pits. I’ll send money when I can. Attempts at selling el carro have been useless. I think I’ll donate her to public radio. If Sally could sell her, I’d be fine with her keeping the money—she needs it. I can survive without it—at least for a little while. She doesn’t see clearly on this and prefers screaming at me to get rid of it. PLAN A: a “for sale” sign. PLAN B: scream it out of your driveway.

Talking reasonably with her is futile—her word choice is impeccable and she is more persuasive than the most persuasive thing you can possibly think of. By the end of most conversations you are nodding in agreement with her and everything you thought you stood for is out the window. I’m not willing to put myself in that situation. I’m leaving—I have to. I’ll lose my mind here.

Onto brighter things: all of my shit is about packed—4 garbage bags of clothes going to goodwill, 2 bags going to the consignment shop, 1 laundry basket filled with shit going to the dump’s “Boutique”, and 1 garbage bag going to the good ol’ dump itself. Sigh. And it will still be a tight car to CT. Good tunes, good company, your nightmare of a cat, and a car filled with all the shit you own—nothing like it.

I’m feeling too stressed and serious. I need drugs—CT should be good for that. Sigh.

this is how i write when i am being serious. a letter to big that sums up my current situation...

"BIG,
I’ve been unable to call you on the number that you texted me from. I’ve sent a few texts—I’m not sure if you’ve received them. I’m having a difficult time here.

I’m doing everything in my power to restrain myself from canceling my ticket. I’m sure this does not come as a surprise to you. I could see it in your eyes, prior to your leaving, that you had little faith in me honoring it. I’m still planning to fly the 2nd—and I want to…more than anything.

Sally and I really haven’t spoken since that phone call in JP. I had figured her reason for being upset had to do with my leaving the nest. Now, I think it’s more that she had been planning on my support after my time at –JOB—. I received a phone call from my aunt last night begging me to stay in the states. Between calling me immature, self-centered, and a terrible daughter, she informed me that my mom was contemplating suicide.

This has happened before, but it’s different this time. I feel like my leaving could be her tipping point. My aunt asked me to stay to support my mom and sisters until my mom was back on her feet—who knows when that will be…

I realize that it’s not my responsibility to support them, but I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I leave in the midst of this. And if my mom were to do herself in, I’d have more self-blame than I could handle.

On top of this, the doctors have found something on one of my mom’s kidneys. She will not be taking any further action with it and has made it clear that she is giving up all fights—financial, personal, medical, etc.

Sally has cooled down significantly since last night, however, as of this morning, Wilhem is not moving in and she is planning her move to VT (without my sisters). I do not know how I could help the situation if I stayed—financial support, more suicidal tendencies?

I am sorry to burden you with all of this—I’m just really lacking support right now and I am out of places to turn. I’d love to hear your take on all of this.

I am still planning to move all of my stuff down to CT on Monday and fly on the 2nd. Hopefully, I will find support in CT. I love you and I miss you.

LUCA"

it wasn't until yesterday that i went to astrologyzone.com. big had warned me prior to going out on course and advised that i not read it until i returned. august 22nd and just reading my monthly horoscope...what is happening to me?

basically, august is a rollercoaster month for me, but i'm a wonderful little coping virgo. what's new?

bits and pieces from susan miller:
susan: "Be good to yourself, dear Virgo. You often put others first, but this month, you'd be wise to find time for yourself, perhaps by treating yourself to a massage or for quiet walks after dinner." luca: "or a trip to thailand?"

susan: "Your focus will be a close partner who will act in a surprising, erratic, or even shocking way, and in so doing stir your emotions very deeply at this time. You may break things off or be given a shocking revelation, leaving you feeling shaken and spent. At all times, remain philosophical - you need to know the truth." luca: "sighh."

sally is being insane. she called the other night when i was having dinner with friends. pulled her crazy jealous, flip out, "i never travel, but you do" shit. kicked me out, so now, along with the whole "2 weeks to prep for leaving the country for several months" shit, i need to miraculously move (carless) to an attic in connecticut. shoot me in the temple now.

oh susan, i am trying to cope. really, i am.

i have a new watch. someone left it on the island and now it is mine. i like it a lot. i leave for thailand in two weeks. i will sleep until then. i am exhausted.

my course was borderline nightmarish. i had a student that was just an asshole. there is really no way around it. i know i'm not supposed to talk about students that way, but it's just fact. he fought everything i said. it sucked. i'm glad i'm done. i need this break.

i've tried counting it all out and, assuming that i do not run out of money (which is a deifnite possibility), i will be away for about 4 months. my time will be spent between thailand and austrailia. big leaves tomorrow and i'll meet up with him in bangkok. and then we'll probably have sweet, passionate, insane, bankokian sex, because that's just what we do. except it usually isn't bankokian, because we've never had sex in bangkok before.

i'm excited about leaving, which is funny, because i feel like i haven't been excited since i was 7. that's probably bullshit, but it's good to know that it can still happen. i'm a little petrified about going to sydney, though. when i first met big he was still in a relationship with a woman in sydney. it wasn't made clear to me until several months into our relationship, but as we continued it became more and more evident that there was some definite overlap. i learned fairly late in the game that she was still living in his house (bleghhh). i guess i just don't know fully where that relationship is and i don't want to be little miss america drama bullshit in austrailia. i hate that shit. i need a nap.

a successful day with google image search. i think i'm in love.

i start course prep tomorrow. my time off is over. i do not feel rested. i went to the cape for some recoop time, but it turned into a stress fest. the holiday house alone was enough to send me into a panic attack. a small cape belonging to a coworker's deceased grandmother. italian american grandmother. basically, take a bunch of crucifixes, some last supper reprints, ultra gaudy 1930s furniture, and some creepy family photos and throw them up all over a little cottage and add an old lady/mildew smell. take this and intensify your current mental picture...that should just about sum it up.

i enjoyed my time with big. he stressed me out, though. incessantly talked about future plans and tried to alter my look. i guess i need to look more conservative to work on yachts. i personally find 0g ears and dark red streaks very pretty, but i guess the yacht-owning population prefers a more classic look. egh.

he leaves for thailand soon. right around the time i go back out into the field. and then i need to scrounge up enough money to join him. i can tell he doesn't think i'll be able to pull it off. he hasn't come directly out and said this, but i think he's pushing me away with the thought that these next two days could very well be the end. and he's not completely off. i'm a money pit. i spend it like i have it.

he met my dad's side of the family yesterday. it went surprisingly well. they all loved him and he seemed to enjoy them as well. i was nervous about how my dad would react. i mean, he was aware of the age difference, but he could have very easily played the overprotective card. linda, my step-mum, really liked him. really really liked him. i'm not nervous yet, but seeing as how big is closer in age (two years older) to her than me, i'll be sure to keep a watchful eye. ha. how very very odd.

i'm back from course. i didn't make it clear that i was leaving, but just know that i'm back now. i have four days off. just enough time to get over my culture shock and then i head back out. sweet.

i'm currently covered in chocolate frosting, because i've forgotten how to eat in a civilized manner. i feel ridiculous and there are way too many people around. the music here is loud and it is stressing me out. i have gotten better since my return, though. i mean, at least i'm no longer flinching everytime a car drives by.

i had sex for the first time since i've been back. i giggled my way through it and couldn't take it seriously or get into it. i guess that's what happens when you push sex from you mind for two weeks and spend 24/7 with twelve 14 year olds on a 28-foot boat. it was still fun. ridiculous, but fun nonetheless.

these are my current stresses:
1) my macbook is a horrendous piece of ultra slow crap
2) my bank account was in the red for my entire course and a brilliant portion of my paycheck went towards it
3) my shitbox car did not sell and currently has a flat tire
4) there are not enough hours in the day
5) my wisdom teeth are coming in and they make me want to hurl
6) my paycheck is just about all spent and i don't have enough money for my ticket to thailand
7) the humidity is giving me fright hair
8) my license is being held up and it probably has something to do with me being completely irresponsible
9) i'm suffering from a cedric-induced emotional rollercoaster
10) i am completely exhausted from pulling 20 hour days