hola chiquita banana
te gusta este vespa?
me gusto los rancheros
mm mm mmm huevos rancheros

and this is what makes me homesick...

hi rat
hi mama rat
hi girly rat
big fat sally rat
little skinny caitlin rat eyes

a very gray day...

I'm sitting on my milo-colored couch in roughly the same position as I have for the past three days. And though I choose not to, I am physically able to remove myself from this life-sucking nest and this is what sets today apart from the past two. I’m overwhelmed by a consuming boredom that makes me think of Keri. I look out to the ocean and hope for a calming peace, but find only sorrow.

A gray sky, meeting a gray sea, and the lack of a notable horizon as though there is no beginning, no end, and no purpose.

I am not sad, angry, frustrated. Not happy, enthusiastic, or even content. I think I could die right now and, if given the chance to reflect on it, I don’t think I’d be fazed. I don’t care enough to do myself in and I don’t want to exert the energy.

So I just sit here and deepen the indentation in the couch, take in the stillness of the room, listen to the crashing waves, watch the flies buzzing aimlessly, watch the trees sway dully in the breeze, and feel empty.

The gray seems to be consuming everything—the green of the trees, the brown cliff face, this room, and my head. And, I’m pretty sure that soon, it’ll all be one large mass of gray that will simply be eaten by this life-sucking couch.

virgo, you will be sexually frustrated and worked up...

big left for work at 1150. one hour later, i am still not dressed. i have accomplished very little today, but have looked at significant amounts of porn.

today's horoscope: "VIRGO: Experimental Uranus might put you on the hunt for new sexy exploits. So consider checking out a few erotic books or X-rated videos."

sigh. i guess this morning's masturbation sesh was in the stars. time to find some clothes.

a now-suicidal detective named luca

i have too much time on my hands. i get bored. i get to thinking. i'm an irrational human being when i'm idle. i'm a bit of a detective.

today, i have irrationally concluded that big took zoe sailing. i spy a bit. she's in my head and it's pissing me off. i googled her. i know, i'm lame. i'm not denying it. found this on her company site:

"Merry Christmas! We will be operational every non-public holiday day over the Christmas New Year's period.
But don't expect to reach us on the afternoon of Tuesday the 18th of December, as we'll be taking to the high seas (well, Sydney Harbour) for our Christmas Party."

and the next bit is where the detective skills come into play. i have big's work schedule in ical. december 18th looked like this:

LGS scheduled December 18, 2007 from 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM
Invoice scheduled December 18, 2007 from 6:00 AM to 7:00 AM
Work (Harbour Sail) scheduled December 18, 2007 from 12:00 PM to 6:00 PM

kill me now. really, just kill me now.

i really should find new ways to occupy my time. i did draw a bit today. pictures of vaginas. they very well may be my specialty.

go fuck yourself.

i thought about jumping again today. walked to the cliff edge and watched the water for what felt like hours. i picked two landing places. one that would kill me in seconds and one that i could possibly survive if i jumped and then decided against the whole suicide bit. i liked the first. the water was so confused and tumultuous that i found it calming. it made my head seem quite minor in the scheme of things.

the waves crashed against this one smooth rock and as the water coming off of the rock met the newly crashing waves, a pit was formed. i imagined being sucked into the hole and found it peaceful.

i thought about sailing and set design, my life, and my weaknesses. thought about my hangover and headache and wondered how i could be so sad after a great night. i decided that i'm manic.

the wind picked up to about 15 knots and the spray of the crashing waves was thrown 30 feet to the northwest and still reaching a vertical height of 40 feet. i decided that if i were to jump, i'd time it so that i'd fall with the spray. a misty and peaceful drop before chaos and sucking for air.

i thought about keri and did some quick math and figured out that it was the january when she was 23 that she killed herself. and even though i'm on the other side of the world, the situation is fairly similar. i thought for a while and drew up connections, but then decided i didn't want to be a follower. i convinced myself that if i make it through january, i'll be free.

i thought about andrew, but i don't know why.

hey, girly, get a job...

Spent the day looking for a job—a "cash-in-hand". I came up with very little. The most intriguing being a full on body painting photo shoot for high resolution prints. If I can’t afford to eat, at least I’ll be able to endlessly gaze at myself nude, painted, and framed. Great.

This whole working visa rigmarole is really starting to be a pain in the ass. I’ve been in Sydney since the passing of the AMC-AUS working visa, but can’t apply, because I am already in Australia. So, basically, I need to leave the country, apply, be approved, and then I can return and work. Easy, right? Nope, because I’ve been traveling the world on a fraudulent passport (ok, I’m exaggerating—there’s a misspelling with my last name). So really what I need to do is call the US Consulate (weekdays between 2p and 4p), schedule an appointment to present my passport dilemma, wait several weeks for my new passport, leave the country, apply for a working visa, wait for my approval, and then enter the country again. And how, you ask, can I afford this if I don’t have a working visa in the first place? Very good question, observant reader, very good question.

I know, I could call in to the folks searching for bi/lesbian girls to roll around naked for a shoot, make out a bit, get some pics taken, walk away with nudey prints, sell the nudey prints, and then take off on my shit-ass adventure. Tempting—very tempting.

hand-me-down clothes
hand-me-down furniture
hand-me-down boyfriend
hand-me-down drugs