If it weren’t for the fact that you are completely miserable,
I would be quite jealous and envious,
But because your money cannot buy your happiness,
I am not nearly as affected by your ever-presence—

Though having your name arise in the majority of conversations
Is annoying, your pedestal is lowered
By this ongoing self-pity, which has prevented you from retaining
What it seems you cherish most…

Or maybe you have just had an unlucky run…
And in turn I have lucked out, because if I had these stories—
Of your wealth, career, and random quirks—
And you were happy on top of it all,
I’d slowly be destroying myself in your shadow
And even more resentful than I already am…

But because you wallow in your money, work too hard, and are alone,
I rise above you despite the facts,
And I am happy, unlike you, at least for a little while…
Until you are next mentioned and bring me down again

But I guess it would be rude if I didn’t thank you
For all of the charitable contributions—
The clothes, loans, and secondhand goods (boyfriend included)—
So thank you, ever present one, and maybe someday
I can forget you long enough
And it will be then that I can finally stop resenting you.

Coming to you From the Melbourne Airport

Dear people (over age 15) who travel on planes with pillows from home,

Because you are traveling with your very own and very special pillow, I am completely aware of the fact that you are not well traveled or accustomed to flying. However, do know that pillows are frequently provided for passengers on planes. This means you can save yourself the humiliation of carrying your dirty-ass pillow through the airport. And it will save other travelers as well, because, quite frankly, the rest of the world has no interest in seeing how greasy your hair is or how much you drool.

So next time you’re flying to see your friends and family, think of the others you may offend along the way, and leave mickey, hello kitty, and smelly yellow at home. Thanks in advance for your cooperation and thank you for choosing to fly with us. Enjoy your stay in beautiful Sydney (where hotels/motels/hostels provide pillows as well).

two days in paris

i went to the movies last night. alone. and yes, i do feel the need to mention that i went "alone", because it makes me feel way more independent than i really am. and that's something i need right now.

prior to going in, i picked up some promo material on the film. learned that julie delpey had also been in a film called Killing Zoe. i laughed out loud. and since i had already decided that Two Days in Paris was going to reveal all on my current relationship, i knew this Killing Zoe business was just another connection.

based on the TDP trailer alone, i had concluded that i was the american boyfriend (skeptical and out of place) and that big was the french blonde (witty and stocked to the rim with ex girlfriends).

three minutes into the film, i no longer wanted to be the neurotic, paranoid, irritating american, so i spent the next 45 minutes dwelling on it. and though there were major connections to my life throughout the film, i decided that marion and jack were not luca and big. and though a little disappointed, i was ok and enjoyed the film anyway. quite a bit.

verbal diarrhea

bitchity bitch bitch bitch. bitchity bitch bitch.

i'm a miserable little ungrateful shit that brings everyone around me down.

i had corn fritters for breakfast and i have the shits.

i want to throw expensive and highly breakable stuff off a cliff.

my arms hurt. i like surfing.

i'm a jealous jealous woman. i'm rolling in it.

brought to you from the kitchen...

my potato grew this. i thought it looked like a spider, so i took a picture.

new (and very serious) complaints

i've developed a nose twitch. it's like an eye twitch, but more rabbit-like. i've been stressed and anxious and now my left nostril lets the whole city know. i don't know what the exact reason for this anxiety is (well, besides the obvious nose twitch), but ever since i blew up monday morning i've been edgy, irritable, and a complete drag. it's becoming a real issue (for reasons other than my new twitch); for example: i have had sex once (1 time) in the past week and half (10 days).

so the reason for this big blow up, you ask? it's petty. i'm ok with it. basically, zoe. i just don't like her. i'm entitled to it. ex-girlfriend, she gets in the way, they do coffee, and she's a power player. personally, i think that's all reason enough. but you know, there is more. and it's big.

big and ugly, anyway. correct me if i'm wrong, but garden art is so 60 year old woman. and this is why i really don't want her big honkin' hunk of concrete or whatever the hell it is corrupting my yard.


i've asked big to have her take it out of here. hall it off to wherever hideous garden art goes. he says i need to be patient.

I'LL SHOW YOU PATIENCE...



i swear it's another one of her power plays. a slap in the face saying, "see, he still likes me enough to keep my stupid shit around." well, at least it's almost tolerable now.

shit, but a closer look reveals...

"no luca, don't jump."

from my big ass window...

complaints from my house on the cliff that overlooks the ocean

1) broken coffee machine
2) broken wash machine
3) ass splash toilet
4) broken fridge
5) stolen car
6) wilting flowers
7) bad attitude
8) ex-girlfriends
9) glare on daytime tele
10) mosquitoes
11) dishpan hands
12) fright hair
13) boredom
14) not enough attention