Sally is crazier than my words can possibly convey. I understand that she may be jealous, lonely, and feel that she is lacking support, but my staying could not possibly help her. She is a financial nightmare—the money pit to end all money pits. I’ll send money when I can. Attempts at selling el carro have been useless. I think I’ll donate her to public radio. If Sally could sell her, I’d be fine with her keeping the money—she needs it. I can survive without it—at least for a little while. She doesn’t see clearly on this and prefers screaming at me to get rid of it. PLAN A: a “for sale” sign. PLAN B: scream it out of your driveway.

Talking reasonably with her is futile—her word choice is impeccable and she is more persuasive than the most persuasive thing you can possibly think of. By the end of most conversations you are nodding in agreement with her and everything you thought you stood for is out the window. I’m not willing to put myself in that situation. I’m leaving—I have to. I’ll lose my mind here.

Onto brighter things: all of my shit is about packed—4 garbage bags of clothes going to goodwill, 2 bags going to the consignment shop, 1 laundry basket filled with shit going to the dump’s “Boutique”, and 1 garbage bag going to the good ol’ dump itself. Sigh. And it will still be a tight car to CT. Good tunes, good company, your nightmare of a cat, and a car filled with all the shit you own—nothing like it.

I’m feeling too stressed and serious. I need drugs—CT should be good for that. Sigh.

this is how i write when i am being serious. a letter to big that sums up my current situation...

"BIG,
I’ve been unable to call you on the number that you texted me from. I’ve sent a few texts—I’m not sure if you’ve received them. I’m having a difficult time here.

I’m doing everything in my power to restrain myself from canceling my ticket. I’m sure this does not come as a surprise to you. I could see it in your eyes, prior to your leaving, that you had little faith in me honoring it. I’m still planning to fly the 2nd—and I want to…more than anything.

Sally and I really haven’t spoken since that phone call in JP. I had figured her reason for being upset had to do with my leaving the nest. Now, I think it’s more that she had been planning on my support after my time at –JOB—. I received a phone call from my aunt last night begging me to stay in the states. Between calling me immature, self-centered, and a terrible daughter, she informed me that my mom was contemplating suicide.

This has happened before, but it’s different this time. I feel like my leaving could be her tipping point. My aunt asked me to stay to support my mom and sisters until my mom was back on her feet—who knows when that will be…

I realize that it’s not my responsibility to support them, but I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I leave in the midst of this. And if my mom were to do herself in, I’d have more self-blame than I could handle.

On top of this, the doctors have found something on one of my mom’s kidneys. She will not be taking any further action with it and has made it clear that she is giving up all fights—financial, personal, medical, etc.

Sally has cooled down significantly since last night, however, as of this morning, Wilhem is not moving in and she is planning her move to VT (without my sisters). I do not know how I could help the situation if I stayed—financial support, more suicidal tendencies?

I am sorry to burden you with all of this—I’m just really lacking support right now and I am out of places to turn. I’d love to hear your take on all of this.

I am still planning to move all of my stuff down to CT on Monday and fly on the 2nd. Hopefully, I will find support in CT. I love you and I miss you.

LUCA"

it wasn't until yesterday that i went to astrologyzone.com. big had warned me prior to going out on course and advised that i not read it until i returned. august 22nd and just reading my monthly horoscope...what is happening to me?

basically, august is a rollercoaster month for me, but i'm a wonderful little coping virgo. what's new?

bits and pieces from susan miller:
susan: "Be good to yourself, dear Virgo. You often put others first, but this month, you'd be wise to find time for yourself, perhaps by treating yourself to a massage or for quiet walks after dinner." luca: "or a trip to thailand?"

susan: "Your focus will be a close partner who will act in a surprising, erratic, or even shocking way, and in so doing stir your emotions very deeply at this time. You may break things off or be given a shocking revelation, leaving you feeling shaken and spent. At all times, remain philosophical - you need to know the truth." luca: "sighh."

sally is being insane. she called the other night when i was having dinner with friends. pulled her crazy jealous, flip out, "i never travel, but you do" shit. kicked me out, so now, along with the whole "2 weeks to prep for leaving the country for several months" shit, i need to miraculously move (carless) to an attic in connecticut. shoot me in the temple now.

oh susan, i am trying to cope. really, i am.

i have a new watch. someone left it on the island and now it is mine. i like it a lot. i leave for thailand in two weeks. i will sleep until then. i am exhausted.

my course was borderline nightmarish. i had a student that was just an asshole. there is really no way around it. i know i'm not supposed to talk about students that way, but it's just fact. he fought everything i said. it sucked. i'm glad i'm done. i need this break.

i've tried counting it all out and, assuming that i do not run out of money (which is a deifnite possibility), i will be away for about 4 months. my time will be spent between thailand and austrailia. big leaves tomorrow and i'll meet up with him in bangkok. and then we'll probably have sweet, passionate, insane, bankokian sex, because that's just what we do. except it usually isn't bankokian, because we've never had sex in bangkok before.

i'm excited about leaving, which is funny, because i feel like i haven't been excited since i was 7. that's probably bullshit, but it's good to know that it can still happen. i'm a little petrified about going to sydney, though. when i first met big he was still in a relationship with a woman in sydney. it wasn't made clear to me until several months into our relationship, but as we continued it became more and more evident that there was some definite overlap. i learned fairly late in the game that she was still living in his house (bleghhh). i guess i just don't know fully where that relationship is and i don't want to be little miss america drama bullshit in austrailia. i hate that shit. i need a nap.

a successful day with google image search. i think i'm in love.

i start course prep tomorrow. my time off is over. i do not feel rested. i went to the cape for some recoop time, but it turned into a stress fest. the holiday house alone was enough to send me into a panic attack. a small cape belonging to a coworker's deceased grandmother. italian american grandmother. basically, take a bunch of crucifixes, some last supper reprints, ultra gaudy 1930s furniture, and some creepy family photos and throw them up all over a little cottage and add an old lady/mildew smell. take this and intensify your current mental picture...that should just about sum it up.

i enjoyed my time with big. he stressed me out, though. incessantly talked about future plans and tried to alter my look. i guess i need to look more conservative to work on yachts. i personally find 0g ears and dark red streaks very pretty, but i guess the yacht-owning population prefers a more classic look. egh.

he leaves for thailand soon. right around the time i go back out into the field. and then i need to scrounge up enough money to join him. i can tell he doesn't think i'll be able to pull it off. he hasn't come directly out and said this, but i think he's pushing me away with the thought that these next two days could very well be the end. and he's not completely off. i'm a money pit. i spend it like i have it.

he met my dad's side of the family yesterday. it went surprisingly well. they all loved him and he seemed to enjoy them as well. i was nervous about how my dad would react. i mean, he was aware of the age difference, but he could have very easily played the overprotective card. linda, my step-mum, really liked him. really really liked him. i'm not nervous yet, but seeing as how big is closer in age (two years older) to her than me, i'll be sure to keep a watchful eye. ha. how very very odd.