this is how i write when i am being serious. a letter to big that sums up my current situation...

"BIG,
I’ve been unable to call you on the number that you texted me from. I’ve sent a few texts—I’m not sure if you’ve received them. I’m having a difficult time here.

I’m doing everything in my power to restrain myself from canceling my ticket. I’m sure this does not come as a surprise to you. I could see it in your eyes, prior to your leaving, that you had little faith in me honoring it. I’m still planning to fly the 2nd—and I want to…more than anything.

Sally and I really haven’t spoken since that phone call in JP. I had figured her reason for being upset had to do with my leaving the nest. Now, I think it’s more that she had been planning on my support after my time at –JOB—. I received a phone call from my aunt last night begging me to stay in the states. Between calling me immature, self-centered, and a terrible daughter, she informed me that my mom was contemplating suicide.

This has happened before, but it’s different this time. I feel like my leaving could be her tipping point. My aunt asked me to stay to support my mom and sisters until my mom was back on her feet—who knows when that will be…

I realize that it’s not my responsibility to support them, but I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I leave in the midst of this. And if my mom were to do herself in, I’d have more self-blame than I could handle.

On top of this, the doctors have found something on one of my mom’s kidneys. She will not be taking any further action with it and has made it clear that she is giving up all fights—financial, personal, medical, etc.

Sally has cooled down significantly since last night, however, as of this morning, Wilhem is not moving in and she is planning her move to VT (without my sisters). I do not know how I could help the situation if I stayed—financial support, more suicidal tendencies?

I am sorry to burden you with all of this—I’m just really lacking support right now and I am out of places to turn. I’d love to hear your take on all of this.

I am still planning to move all of my stuff down to CT on Monday and fly on the 2nd. Hopefully, I will find support in CT. I love you and I miss you.

LUCA"