the idea of being attached to the hip of big's ex-girlfriends is infuriating. "i know, "let's call [girlfriend X] to the rescue." the fact that it's the first thing that gushes out of his mouth is just starnge to me. sweet, and let's invite her for a sleepover too. it's a bit of jealousy, but also the fact that he gives these woman say prior to giving it to me. plus, i guess i don't really want to be in a relationship where my partner's entourage is made up of the women he's screwed over the past ten years. vomit. i dunno, it just doesn't really appeal.

I feel like a kid that misbehaved during class and for punishment is now restricted from next week’s field trip. Maybe the only similarities are the cause and effect—misbehavior and restriction. If it were as simple as a student being barred from the MET, I’d simply throw a tantrum and have my mother call to reverse the sentence. But that’s not the case. Instead, my whole world is once again upside down and I’m left kicking for the chair just inches below my feet as I dangle from the rope tied to the ceiling beam. What a waste of time and energy this has been. That’s where I am at today, anyway. Yesterday was better—I was more understanding and less dramatic, but today I can’t help myself. I’m in world behind my eyeballs and I can’t force bubbly caitlin out. I now have less than a month to figure out my next chapter and as of yesterday it does not resemble anything I had previously conjured. [CHAPTER 3—Luca returns to the US with her tail between her legs. She is homeless, carless, and jobless.] Who knows, maybe if I’m a good girl I’ll be allowed to continue on to AUS.

…But for now: slap on the wrist, “Bad Luca, no Australia for you”.

I pooped today and it smelled like mango. I’m perfectly fine with that.

I’m getting more and more used to just doing nothing. I am less stressed than I have been. I am fine that too.

I saw a snake in the water this morning. It was the color of the sand and in a massive coil. My earring fell out and was lying on the bottom about 2 feet away. I got it and scurried out in a semi-panicked way.

Big and I suck lately. I’m just today beginning to like him again, but I’m pretty sure he likes me less. Probably because I have been a shit these past few days. I’m not sure what our problem is—what my problem is. I’m just slightly off. Big says it’s soul delay—I like the idea. My soul hasn’t quite caught up after traveling. And I guess now, that I am in this remote cove and not accessible by road, it hasn’t quite found me. Maybe it’ll arrive for my birthday tomorrow.

I’m in Koh Phangan. I feel ridiculous. I’m surrounded by beautiful people in a beautiful cove with excellent food and have a perfect bungalow. Just slightly out of place. I should be working.

I love it here though. It’s more resorty than I had thought it would be—had been anticipating a less discovered/more third world feel. The water is breathtaking. It’s very close to our bungalow—the crashing waves kept me up late.

We will probably stay here for at least two weeks, which means my birthday will be spent here. I think I’m happy about that. Hopefully we will have a few more friends by then. A friend from Boston happened to be staying here as well. So strange, but Big had recommended it to him knowing that he was heading to Thailand and he stayed a while longer knowing that we were on our way out.

I have stupid hair and miss my straightener. Most of the time it doesn’t even look like it’s attached to my head—just off in its own little absurd world. The other women here have wonderful hair. I don’t quite understand. Hopefully I’m only looking ridiculous to myself.

I’m having a hard time falling back into relationship mode. I think I am used to being the dominant one in a relationship, but I definitely cower and default to Big. I am trying not to. I need to work on being more independent—primarily in social settings. I’m feeling weak and lame.

He has been semi-snotty and I don’t like how he acts when he doesn’t get his way. I had only seen this once back in the states. Irritated that our service was slow—got bratty and was rude to our server. It’s happening more here—maybe a superiority thing? Got rude with a tailor, because the clothes didn’t quite fit and again when instant coffee was brought and not filter. It really got to me. Both seemed so minor.

Hopefully, he gets over himself and this is the last I’ll ever complain about him.

PS—sex in Bangkok was incredible.

This plane smells like vomit and diarrhea. It is possible that somebody yacked in the ventilation system and now the smell of it is being distributed throughout the plane. I’m heading to Detroit now. There is a big football type sitting next to me—about my age and I can’t help thinking about H on my mid-may Logan to Seattle trip. I think I am in love with him.

Football dude is not my type, but it would be nice to have someone to chat with. I’m bored out of my mind. He’s glued to the window. I guess I’ll just sit here and type.

I never said goodbye to Sally. Maybe I will call from Michigan. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have service where she is and the only number I have for her is her cell. I’ll leave a message.

Yesterday, I spent the day making Scab a birthday gift. It came out fairly well—I think she’ll like it. She may not love the picture, but hopefully she’ll get over it—it was the only one that fit. I printed it as an 8x10, framed it, and hung it on her wall with a bow. God, I am good—a little last minute, but good nonetheless.

Well, here I am. Back in my room, but it isn’t my room anymore. If I were to yell, it would probably echo, but I’m too nervous to yell. Sally isn’t here, but I still feel like I am walking on eggshells. I returned from CT today. My dad drove me back up—in his minivan. I felt like I was in junior high.

There is nothing here of mine except for the two bags that I fly out with tomorrow and my laptop. The only thing that I had left in my room was a world map on the west wall. Quite symbolic. Ha. Sally clearly hadn’t seen the humor in it and had ripped it down. It was on the floor.

CT was good. Quaint. I felt out of place—I always do when I am there. I try to mold—to the best of my ability. It’s a little bizarre. A middle class dreamland—cul-de-sac and all. Modular home, 3 athletic sons, big yard with a garden, big screen TV, blonde mom (5’8”, 120 lbs; runner), and a pug. My dad has a ride-on mower. It’s eerie. I got a pedicure and found myself frequently clicking aimlessly through their bajillion digital cable channels.

My stomach is all knotted and being ridiculous. I have the shits. I think it is a culmination of things—flying, leaving for an indefinite period of time, losing my best friend/mother, lack of support, too little time in a day. My flight is from Logan at noon. Logan to Detroit to Narita and then to Bangkok. Big will meet me at the airport. I miss him. I’ve been having terrible dreams about him, though. Dreams where he is constantly with other woman. In reality, I don’t know that I’d mind him being with other woman, but in the dreams I am insecure and crazy and I wake up all edgy. Edgy—I think that accurately sums up the past couple of weeks.