i thought about jumping again today. walked to the cliff edge and watched the water for what felt like hours. i picked two landing places. one that would kill me in seconds and one that i could possibly survive if i jumped and then decided against the whole suicide bit. i liked the first. the water was so confused and tumultuous that i found it calming. it made my head seem quite minor in the scheme of things.

the waves crashed against this one smooth rock and as the water coming off of the rock met the newly crashing waves, a pit was formed. i imagined being sucked into the hole and found it peaceful.

i thought about sailing and set design, my life, and my weaknesses. thought about my hangover and headache and wondered how i could be so sad after a great night. i decided that i'm manic.

the wind picked up to about 15 knots and the spray of the crashing waves was thrown 30 feet to the northwest and still reaching a vertical height of 40 feet. i decided that if i were to jump, i'd time it so that i'd fall with the spray. a misty and peaceful drop before chaos and sucking for air.

i thought about keri and did some quick math and figured out that it was the january when she was 23 that she killed herself. and even though i'm on the other side of the world, the situation is fairly similar. i thought for a while and drew up connections, but then decided i didn't want to be a follower. i convinced myself that if i make it through january, i'll be free.

i thought about andrew, but i don't know why.