I'VE ALREADY SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THIS INTERNET CAFE. THIS E-MAIL SUMS IT ALL UP FOR TODAY...

from Nix Mix <[nix_mix e-mail here]@gmail.com> wrote:

Hiiiiiiiiiiii
This is my new email address. trying to simplify things.
So sorry I haven't written back to you sooner.
I love you and I miss you and I need you more than ever.
i hope you are doing well. How are things with big? Better I hope. I hope you are find it easier to communicate.
I'm so happy for you and I am very glad you are doing this and doing something that Luca wants to do.
So, are you going to be headed to Austraila or not?
Sounds like you had an amazing birthday.
Again, sorry I'm just now commenting on things you wrote almost a month ago-- but--- as for the find faults in relationships thing- i really think that if it's not the right relationship for us to be with, its our subconscious way of trying to get out of the relationship. trust me- i've been in enough bad realtionships, enough that you have witnessed to know this is true. otherwise, things will find a way of working out. communication is key.
how did things work out with your mom before you left? i hope everything is okay with you two.


well, it's almost noon time here and i'm still in bed. i'm taking a mental health day today. woke up at 6am- walked downstairs and told my mom i wasn't going out on the boat today.
talked to Amix last night- and a whole bunch of shit has changed. i'm warning you- i'm going to sound very negative and bitchy becuase i've written several emails this morning to Navy people and other Navy wifes, filling them in on what's going on with us- but I can't vent and be bitchy to them cuase i'm afraid it will get back to amix.
so- here it goes.
was supposed to be leaving for italy the end of october. with amix. he's in san diego now doing some training that is supposed to end on the 17th. after arrival in sicily together- he was supposed to have a 3 week indoc course before getting assigned to his detatchment (det.). a det is a group of 6-8 people of which he will be in charge of. from there he would have several months work-up or prep time with them before being deployed. so this is what i thought would happen- travel over with husband, have plenty of time to find house and get settled, get a cat because i really want a fuckin cat- and then i prepare myself for his deployment.

so last night i get the call- and i knew this was going to fuckin happen- i new it- cuase everything was so goddamned perfect. he said that another officer in charge of a det. called him yesterday morning from italy. saying that his det and one other are doing joint team training in Norfolk together- preparing for deployment (i thnk to iraq). he says to amix that the other det needs an officer and he asked amix if he would be up for the job. of course, amix being the person he is gets all excited and says yes- which is really the only choice he had. so now looks as if he'll be leaving San Diego a day or to early to go to norfork for one month. during this time they are in the field the entire time practing and shit. from there- they go back to their unit in sicily- (amix will be getting there for the first time). then they have just a couple more weeks of really hard training there and then they deploy. adam is guessing that they will be deploying by the end of december, beginning of january. i have a terrible feeling it will be before xmas.
so in the meantime- i have no idea when i'm getting there. probably not until the end of november. i have no idea if i'm travelling with him or not. i have no idea if i'll even get to see him more than once or twice before he deploys.
i'm so frusterated and overwhelemed and def not ready for this yet. i knew it would happen sooner or later but i just haven't had any time to prepare myself for any of it. so of course as soon as he tells me last night i burst into tears and i'm in hysterics the entire time. he told me to be stronger and all this other bullshit. but i just can't yet cause it hasn't sunk in. i don't even know how long he'll be away for. there are dome det's that are deployed for a year at a time. i'm scared.
so i'm just being a negative asshole today and staying in bed.

well, i need an update on you and need things to distract my mind. sorry for this long sloppy email. i don't feel like spell checking so please ignore my spelling mistakes. i'm really not that stupid.
hope you're well and getting nice and tan.
i love you.
nix

[LUCA RESPONSE]

heyy!
i can't even tell you how perfect your timing is with this e-mail...
i'm lonely and desperate and would do anything to curl up with you on a couch and watch chick flicks--really sad ones, because i want to vent and cry and it sounds like you do too. i can't even comprehend your situation.you are way stronger than i am, because i could never commit to that. i'm proud of you. i really have no advice to give--blah blah blah stay strong bullshit. this must be so so hard for you. it really seems that amix has been dicked around from the begininning and it must be awful not knowing what lies ahead. it seems like a lot of waiting and must be extremely frustrating. amix must be excited that he is being deployed--send my congrats to him (as hard as that may be).

things here are a little insane...
i'm trying to just go with the flow. i'm in cambodia right now; phnom penh (capitol city). big and i left the white sandy beaches of koh penghan, thailand about two weeks ago ( i think. my time scale is all whacked). we spent a day in bangkok getting things figured out and, because big needed to renew his visa, we decided to cross the border into cambodia. it seemed crazy to just step in and out, so we decided to see the wats (temples--some buddhist, some hindu). about 30 temples later, i decided that i couldn't stomach another temple, despite the fact that they were the most incredible and beautiful things i had ever seen. they are located in siem reap and after 4 days there, we took the bus south to phnom penh. i think that brings us to the present. sort of.

big and i are doing so well...
almost broke up after i last wrote to you. had a bit of an explosion, but no yelling--just honest communication,which was totally needed. we decided that we were 100% into eachother and that from that point on would communicate honestly about everything. then i got super sick--crazy fever and i just wanted to be home (and then i remembered that i don't have one). i never said goodbye to sally. she wouldn't even look at me when i last saw her and i never saw her when i got back from CT. we've started writing eachother over e-mail. really basic communication, but she sent me an e-card on my birthday, which was nice.

ok, so here comes the insanity...
big and i were out walking the streets several days back and stumbled upon this amazing little store (here on out referred to as [store X]). i fell in love with their product--BAGS!! well, big, quite the entrepeneur, says "wow, i'd love to import these to australia". and i think that's when it happened. he ran the idea by the shop owner (also the designer and company owner) and before we knew it, everything was full swing. we've been in and out of business meetings, design meetings. there's an opening of the new product line tomorrow that we are attending. it looks like i'll be business partner in all of this and working as a sales representative. it's all happened so fast and i don't know that i want to change my life all around for this, but it's all very exciting. big and i are both hesitant at times, but he says i can have as much or as little involvement as i want--he knows i don't like commitment. i'm excited.

so here's my problem with all of this...
big is great at listening to my input and hearing my concerns, but i feel like i'm about to be pushed to the side in all of this. he's brought his ex-girlfriend in to deal with the e-com side of everything and she's already running with it--talking marketing and bringing in other people. i know it's important to have everything covered, but FUCK--i don't want to be attached to the hip of his ex (who i kind of replaced and i think he was still sleeping with up until this past summer). it's a bit of jealousy, obviously, but i've all of a sudden become this background character to this overpowering business chick. i almost want out now and if offered a perminent position (on the right boat), i think i'd take it. i'm a leading lady, not an extra and i think if i were to walk out unexpectedly, it would be a really powerful statement. maybe my priorities are out of whack.

but for now...
i'm just going to go with the flow. i head to new zealand to babysit during the OB symposium on october 18th and will be in australia by november 1st. even if i'm a background character, i will just live off of big, sell bags, and surf. ha--and here i am complaining. on paper it all sounds just perfect. i'm going to be working with the designer on the prototype of what we're hoping to sell and am getting a custom bag to throw around and test (a bag that will ultimately be sold for at least $100). i'll try and get you one soon. also, if adam isn't around, what's your plan? i'll dump big, and we'll get an apartment in sydney and sell bags!! hehe.

i love you and miss you. ps--read "emergency sex"--it's my recent favorite book. you'll be addicted and you need to escape for a little while.

LO
VE,
LUCA.
sorry this was so long!!!