If it weren’t for the fact that you are completely miserable,
I would be quite jealous and envious,
But because your money cannot buy your happiness,
I am not nearly as affected by your ever-presence—
Though having your name arise in the majority of conversations
Is annoying, your pedestal is lowered
By this ongoing self-pity, which has prevented you from retaining
What it seems you cherish most…
Or maybe you have just had an unlucky run…
And in turn I have lucked out, because if I had these stories—
Of your wealth, career, and random quirks—
And you were happy on top of it all,
I’d slowly be destroying myself in your shadow
And even more resentful than I already am…
But because you wallow in your money, work too hard, and are alone,
I rise above you despite the facts,
And I am happy, unlike you, at least for a little while…
Until you are next mentioned and bring me down again
But I guess it would be rude if I didn’t thank you
For all of the charitable contributions—
The clothes, loans, and secondhand goods (boyfriend included)—
So thank you, ever present one, and maybe someday
I can forget you long enough
And it will be then that I can finally stop resenting you.
LUCA LUCA LUCA
- Luca Makyl
- This blog was once entitled, "unedited. uncensored. unabridged. " Despite the name change, It's still the same old shit...
i am 25 and self absorbed. i check my reflection in the windows i pass by. in the past, my blogs have been highly censored. i care too much about what other people think. this is me...shit and all.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Coming to you From the Melbourne Airport
Dear people (over age 15) who travel on planes with pillows from home,
Because you are traveling with your very own and very special pillow, I am completely aware of the fact that you are not well traveled or accustomed to flying. However, do know that pillows are frequently provided for passengers on planes. This means you can save yourself the humiliation of carrying your dirty-ass pillow through the airport. And it will save other travelers as well, because, quite frankly, the rest of the world has no interest in seeing how greasy your hair is or how much you drool.
So next time you’re flying to see your friends and family, think of the others you may offend along the way, and leave mickey, hello kitty, and smelly yellow at home. Thanks in advance for your cooperation and thank you for choosing to fly with us. Enjoy your stay in beautiful Sydney (where hotels/motels/hostels provide pillows as well).
Because you are traveling with your very own and very special pillow, I am completely aware of the fact that you are not well traveled or accustomed to flying. However, do know that pillows are frequently provided for passengers on planes. This means you can save yourself the humiliation of carrying your dirty-ass pillow through the airport. And it will save other travelers as well, because, quite frankly, the rest of the world has no interest in seeing how greasy your hair is or how much you drool.
So next time you’re flying to see your friends and family, think of the others you may offend along the way, and leave mickey, hello kitty, and smelly yellow at home. Thanks in advance for your cooperation and thank you for choosing to fly with us. Enjoy your stay in beautiful Sydney (where hotels/motels/hostels provide pillows as well).
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
two days in paris
i went to the movies last night. alone. and yes, i do feel the need to mention that i went "alone", because it makes me feel way more independent than i really am. and that's something i need right now.
prior to going in, i picked up some promo material on the film. learned that julie delpey had also been in a film called Killing Zoe. i laughed out loud. and since i had already decided that Two Days in Paris was going to reveal all on my current relationship, i knew this Killing Zoe business was just another connection.
based on the TDP trailer alone, i had concluded that i was the american boyfriend (skeptical and out of place) and that big was the french blonde (witty and stocked to the rim with ex girlfriends).
three minutes into the film, i no longer wanted to be the neurotic, paranoid, irritating american, so i spent the next 45 minutes dwelling on it. and though there were major connections to my life throughout the film, i decided that marion and jack were not luca and big. and though a little disappointed, i was ok and enjoyed the film anyway. quite a bit.
prior to going in, i picked up some promo material on the film. learned that julie delpey had also been in a film called Killing Zoe. i laughed out loud. and since i had already decided that Two Days in Paris was going to reveal all on my current relationship, i knew this Killing Zoe business was just another connection.
based on the TDP trailer alone, i had concluded that i was the american boyfriend (skeptical and out of place) and that big was the french blonde (witty and stocked to the rim with ex girlfriends).
three minutes into the film, i no longer wanted to be the neurotic, paranoid, irritating american, so i spent the next 45 minutes dwelling on it. and though there were major connections to my life throughout the film, i decided that marion and jack were not luca and big. and though a little disappointed, i was ok and enjoyed the film anyway. quite a bit.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
verbal diarrhea
bitchity bitch bitch bitch. bitchity bitch bitch.
i'm a miserable little ungrateful shit that brings everyone around me down.
i had corn fritters for breakfast and i have the shits.
i want to throw expensive and highly breakable stuff off a cliff.
my arms hurt. i like surfing.
i'm a jealous jealous woman. i'm rolling in it.
i'm a miserable little ungrateful shit that brings everyone around me down.
i had corn fritters for breakfast and i have the shits.
i want to throw expensive and highly breakable stuff off a cliff.
my arms hurt. i like surfing.
i'm a jealous jealous woman. i'm rolling in it.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
brought to you from the kitchen...
my potato grew this. i thought it looked like a spider, so i took a picture.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
new (and very serious) complaints
i've developed a nose twitch. it's like an eye twitch, but more rabbit-like. i've been stressed and anxious and now my left nostril lets the whole city know. i don't know what the exact reason for this anxiety is (well, besides the obvious nose twitch), but ever since i blew up monday morning i've been edgy, irritable, and a complete drag. it's becoming a real issue (for reasons other than my new twitch); for example: i have had sex once (1 time) in the past week and half (10 days).
so the reason for this big blow up, you ask? it's petty. i'm ok with it. basically, zoe. i just don't like her. i'm entitled to it. ex-girlfriend, she gets in the way, they do coffee, and she's a power player. personally, i think that's all reason enough. but you know, there is more. and it's big.
big and ugly, anyway. correct me if i'm wrong, but garden art is so 60 year old woman. and this is why i really don't want her big honkin' hunk of concrete or whatever the hell it is corrupting my yard.
i've asked big to have her take it out of here. hall it off to wherever hideous garden art goes. he says i need to be patient.
I'LL SHOW YOU PATIENCE...
i swear it's another one of her power plays. a slap in the face saying, "see, he still likes me enough to keep my stupid shit around." well, at least it's almost tolerable now.
so the reason for this big blow up, you ask? it's petty. i'm ok with it. basically, zoe. i just don't like her. i'm entitled to it. ex-girlfriend, she gets in the way, they do coffee, and she's a power player. personally, i think that's all reason enough. but you know, there is more. and it's big.
big and ugly, anyway. correct me if i'm wrong, but garden art is so 60 year old woman. and this is why i really don't want her big honkin' hunk of concrete or whatever the hell it is corrupting my yard.
i've asked big to have her take it out of here. hall it off to wherever hideous garden art goes. he says i need to be patient.
I'LL SHOW YOU PATIENCE...
i swear it's another one of her power plays. a slap in the face saying, "see, he still likes me enough to keep my stupid shit around." well, at least it's almost tolerable now.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
complaints from my house on the cliff that overlooks the ocean
1) broken coffee machine
2) broken wash machine
3) ass splash toilet
4) broken fridge
5) stolen car
6) wilting flowers
7) bad attitude
8) ex-girlfriends
9) glare on daytime tele
10) mosquitoes
11) dishpan hands
12) fright hair
13) boredom
14) not enough attention
2) broken wash machine
3) ass splash toilet
4) broken fridge
5) stolen car
6) wilting flowers
7) bad attitude
8) ex-girlfriends
9) glare on daytime tele
10) mosquitoes
11) dishpan hands
12) fright hair
13) boredom
14) not enough attention
Friday, November 23, 2007
too many mojitos on tuesday night (and by too many, i mean two) and went all sappy. "i love you, i love you, life is perfect, blah blah blah". i'm paranoid, but have concluded that he's definitely not cheating. i ate too much italian food and had an orgasmic dessert. i've called the eating disorder off and i haven't run since monday. i love saying that. "i haven't run since monday". it makes me sound like a runner. "i haven't run since monday".
side note: monday was the first time i've run since high school. sigh. i'll work on it.
i've been watching the girls since monday morning and pulled an overnight with them last night. they're cool enough. still damn glad they're not mine. i went to mama's with them. it was a nightmare. when we walked in, there were 21 kids under the age of 4 and i'm pretty sure half were crying. and the other half were about to start crying, because their crazy ass mothers scream and panic every time they turn their head wrong. shit, Q ate it on the stairs yesterday and i about shrugged it off. damn, crazy mothers.
VO5 curl up went on sale, so i bought some. it's like fright hair in a can. no wonder this shit went on sale. they should repackage it and sell it to the circus. they'd make a fortune. "hey luca, bozo the clown called, he wants his mousse back." sigh. i love my remington straightener.
side note: monday was the first time i've run since high school. sigh. i'll work on it.
i've been watching the girls since monday morning and pulled an overnight with them last night. they're cool enough. still damn glad they're not mine. i went to mama's with them. it was a nightmare. when we walked in, there were 21 kids under the age of 4 and i'm pretty sure half were crying. and the other half were about to start crying, because their crazy ass mothers scream and panic every time they turn their head wrong. shit, Q ate it on the stairs yesterday and i about shrugged it off. damn, crazy mothers.
VO5 curl up went on sale, so i bought some. it's like fright hair in a can. no wonder this shit went on sale. they should repackage it and sell it to the circus. they'd make a fortune. "hey luca, bozo the clown called, he wants his mousse back." sigh. i love my remington straightener.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
i guess i write when i have problems or when i'm troubled. usually by a relationship. i'm pety and pathetic. oh well.
it's been a year and a half since big and i first started dating. maybe that's why i'm looking for issues in the relationship. i think i'm beginning to think that it's too good to be true, so i'm assuming he's cheating or has cheated. i'll never know.
if he has, i hope he'll admit to it. and i'll just walk away. maybe cry a lot first, then just walk away. and never date again. and i swear i won't.
but hopefully he hasn't, because i love him to pieces and he gives off the same.
the lyrics to "lloyd i'm ready to be heartbroken" are playing through my head. i don't know what they're about. i think heartbreak, jealousy, and blow. if big has been with other women during our relationship, i think i'll be able to relate well. right now i'm just hitting the jealousy bit. stop stop stop.
*He said “I’ll protect you like you are the crown jewels” yet
Said he’s feeling sorrier for me the more I behave badly I can bet--
Hey Lloyd I’m ready to be heartbroken
I can’t see further than my own nose at the moment--
Jealousy is more than a word now I understand
I know you can stay a girl by holding a boy’s hand--
I’ve got my life of complication here to sort out
I’ll take myself to an east coast city and walk about*
paul was right. i love paul. find a hobby, you need a hobby. he may be my savior. he just seemed to get it. sure, he was a little weird (the whole aura reading bit), but i think he was real. and he was honest. paul from QF128, if you're reading this, "thank you".
it's been a year and a half since big and i first started dating. maybe that's why i'm looking for issues in the relationship. i think i'm beginning to think that it's too good to be true, so i'm assuming he's cheating or has cheated. i'll never know.
if he has, i hope he'll admit to it. and i'll just walk away. maybe cry a lot first, then just walk away. and never date again. and i swear i won't.
but hopefully he hasn't, because i love him to pieces and he gives off the same.
the lyrics to "lloyd i'm ready to be heartbroken" are playing through my head. i don't know what they're about. i think heartbreak, jealousy, and blow. if big has been with other women during our relationship, i think i'll be able to relate well. right now i'm just hitting the jealousy bit. stop stop stop.
*He said “I’ll protect you like you are the crown jewels” yet
Said he’s feeling sorrier for me the more I behave badly I can bet--
Hey Lloyd I’m ready to be heartbroken
I can’t see further than my own nose at the moment--
Jealousy is more than a word now I understand
I know you can stay a girl by holding a boy’s hand--
I’ve got my life of complication here to sort out
I’ll take myself to an east coast city and walk about*
paul was right. i love paul. find a hobby, you need a hobby. he may be my savior. he just seemed to get it. sure, he was a little weird (the whole aura reading bit), but i think he was real. and he was honest. paul from QF128, if you're reading this, "thank you".
Monday, November 12, 2007
the hong kong shopping spree:
the reason: ultra lonely in asia, good for people watching, learn the trends (local and international), aus has lowered my self-image and i must compensate with loads of new shit.
the goods:
"fast like puma"--must get into shape to compete with skinny/pretty surfer babes.
good ol' chinese lesportsac knock-off. $2.00aus--how can i expect to get noticed without one?
fashion earrings--just a must have. obviously.
nokia 2626--because my other phone broke and this one was cheap.
and still, i find, i am incomplete. solution: shop more.
the reason: ultra lonely in asia, good for people watching, learn the trends (local and international), aus has lowered my self-image and i must compensate with loads of new shit.
the goods:
"fast like puma"--must get into shape to compete with skinny/pretty surfer babes.
good ol' chinese lesportsac knock-off. $2.00aus--how can i expect to get noticed without one?
fashion earrings--just a must have. obviously.
nokia 2626--because my other phone broke and this one was cheap.
and still, i find, i am incomplete. solution: shop more.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
well, i've made it. australia australia australia. the place is amazing and big and i are redoing it to make it work for two. i love him. i love it here.
i've been catty and would like to pummel something; maybe even someone. i kind of have someone in mind, but i don't know that it would go over that well. basically, i was banned from my own business meeting. stupid bitch. for the most part, women just really piss me off. and in a weird way, i almost miss mma. oh boys, you drove me insane, but you were, for the most part, damn reasonable. sigh.
i've been catty and would like to pummel something; maybe even someone. i kind of have someone in mind, but i don't know that it would go over that well. basically, i was banned from my own business meeting. stupid bitch. for the most part, women just really piss me off. and in a weird way, i almost miss mma. oh boys, you drove me insane, but you were, for the most part, damn reasonable. sigh.
Monday, October 22, 2007
i'm ridiculously in love with big. i'm in new zealand and it's beautiful--like autumn in maine with a mega steroid assist. things are going well and i'm happy. i'm ready to be done with travelling and can't wait for sydney. i'm still nervous, but almost too tired to care. i'm ready to explode my bag, decorate a space, have clean clothes available, and just live somewhere. exes shmexes. go ahead ladies, rip me to shreds.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
i want to poke someone's eyes out and seeing as how big is the only person i spend time with, it will most likely be his. i feel like i am on a disneyland track through southeast asia. a track that has been done before. like a million times. i hate that he's been to all of these places before. and i'm getting frustrated that we never step away from "big's routine guide through asia".
bangkok-bella bella guest house. koh phangon-haad yuan; bamboo hut. siem reap-green town guest house. phnom penh-okay guesthouse. pai-ben's place.
it's just all been done before and hate wondering how many other women he's already taken to all of these places. i crave something new. leave the safety and comforts of constantly knowing what to expect. is he trying to relive good experiences/memories with me? i want to be unique. not just another chick that he's traveled in southeast asia with. and i want him to be consumed with me to the point where every single reference he makes no longer pertains to ex-girlfriends.
zoe zoe zoe. kristin kristin kristin. margaret margaret margaret. lisa lisa lisa. please shut the fuck up.
i'm sure you had fun times and that's great, but i really don't want to hear about your ex-girlfriends daily. i have ex stories too. i guess i'm just not inclined to incessantly bring them up. tell me stories about you; not stories about you with [girlfriend X #1, #2, etc.]. do you constantly talk about them, because you constantly think about them? hearing about them makes me think you're really not over it. and in that case, i'm just wasting my fucking time.
i'm insanely bratty today.
bangkok-bella bella guest house. koh phangon-haad yuan; bamboo hut. siem reap-green town guest house. phnom penh-okay guesthouse. pai-ben's place.
it's just all been done before and hate wondering how many other women he's already taken to all of these places. i crave something new. leave the safety and comforts of constantly knowing what to expect. is he trying to relive good experiences/memories with me? i want to be unique. not just another chick that he's traveled in southeast asia with. and i want him to be consumed with me to the point where every single reference he makes no longer pertains to ex-girlfriends.
zoe zoe zoe. kristin kristin kristin. margaret margaret margaret. lisa lisa lisa. please shut the fuck up.
i'm sure you had fun times and that's great, but i really don't want to hear about your ex-girlfriends daily. i have ex stories too. i guess i'm just not inclined to incessantly bring them up. tell me stories about you; not stories about you with [girlfriend X #1, #2, etc.]. do you constantly talk about them, because you constantly think about them? hearing about them makes me think you're really not over it. and in that case, i'm just wasting my fucking time.
i'm insanely bratty today.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I'VE ALREADY SPENT TOO MUCH TIME IN THIS INTERNET CAFE. THIS E-MAIL SUMS IT ALL UP FOR TODAY...
from Nix Mix <[nix_mix e-mail here]@gmail.com> wrote:
Hiiiiiiiiiiii
This is my new email address. trying to simplify things.
So sorry I haven't written back to you sooner.
I love you and I miss you and I need you more than ever.
i hope you are doing well. How are things with big? Better I hope. I hope you are find it easier to communicate.
I'm so happy for you and I am very glad you are doing this and doing something that Luca wants to do.
So, are you going to be headed to Austraila or not?
Sounds like you had an amazing birthday.
Again, sorry I'm just now commenting on things you wrote almost a month ago-- but--- as for the find faults in relationships thing- i really think that if it's not the right relationship for us to be with, its our subconscious way of trying to get out of the relationship. trust me- i've been in enough bad realtionships, enough that you have witnessed to know this is true. otherwise, things will find a way of working out. communication is key.
how did things work out with your mom before you left? i hope everything is okay with you two.
well, it's almost noon time here and i'm still in bed. i'm taking a mental health day today. woke up at 6am- walked downstairs and told my mom i wasn't going out on the boat today.
talked to Amix last night- and a whole bunch of shit has changed. i'm warning you- i'm going to sound very negative and bitchy becuase i've written several emails this morning to Navy people and other Navy wifes, filling them in on what's going on with us- but I can't vent and be bitchy to them cuase i'm afraid it will get back to amix.
so- here it goes.
was supposed to be leaving for italy the end of october. with amix. he's in san diego now doing some training that is supposed to end on the 17th. after arrival in sicily together- he was supposed to have a 3 week indoc course before getting assigned to his detatchment (det.). a det is a group of 6-8 people of which he will be in charge of. from there he would have several months work-up or prep time with them before being deployed. so this is what i thought would happen- travel over with husband, have plenty of time to find house and get settled, get a cat because i really want a fuckin cat- and then i prepare myself for his deployment.
so last night i get the call- and i knew this was going to fuckin happen- i new it- cuase everything was so goddamned perfect. he said that another officer in charge of a det. called him yesterday morning from italy. saying that his det and one other are doing joint team training in Norfolk together- preparing for deployment (i thnk to iraq). he says to amix that the other det needs an officer and he asked amix if he would be up for the job. of course, amix being the person he is gets all excited and says yes- which is really the only choice he had. so now looks as if he'll be leaving San Diego a day or to early to go to norfork for one month. during this time they are in the field the entire time practing and shit. from there- they go back to their unit in sicily- (amix will be getting there for the first time). then they have just a couple more weeks of really hard training there and then they deploy. adam is guessing that they will be deploying by the end of december, beginning of january. i have a terrible feeling it will be before xmas.
so in the meantime- i have no idea when i'm getting there. probably not until the end of november. i have no idea if i'm travelling with him or not. i have no idea if i'll even get to see him more than once or twice before he deploys.
i'm so frusterated and overwhelemed and def not ready for this yet. i knew it would happen sooner or later but i just haven't had any time to prepare myself for any of it. so of course as soon as he tells me last night i burst into tears and i'm in hysterics the entire time. he told me to be stronger and all this other bullshit. but i just can't yet cause it hasn't sunk in. i don't even know how long he'll be away for. there are dome det's that are deployed for a year at a time. i'm scared.
so i'm just being a negative asshole today and staying in bed.
well, i need an update on you and need things to distract my mind. sorry for this long sloppy email. i don't feel like spell checking so please ignore my spelling mistakes. i'm really not that stupid.
hope you're well and getting nice and tan.
i love you.
nix
[LUCA RESPONSE]
heyy!
i can't even tell you how perfect your timing is with this e-mail...
i'm lonely and desperate and would do anything to curl up with you on a couch and watch chick flicks--really sad ones, because i want to vent and cry and it sounds like you do too. i can't even comprehend your situation.you are way stronger than i am, because i could never commit to that. i'm proud of you. i really have no advice to give--blah blah blah stay strong bullshit. this must be so so hard for you. it really seems that amix has been dicked around from the begininning and it must be awful not knowing what lies ahead. it seems like a lot of waiting and must be extremely frustrating. amix must be excited that he is being deployed--send my congrats to him (as hard as that may be).
things here are a little insane...
i'm trying to just go with the flow. i'm in cambodia right now; phnom penh (capitol city). big and i left the white sandy beaches of koh penghan, thailand about two weeks ago ( i think. my time scale is all whacked). we spent a day in bangkok getting things figured out and, because big needed to renew his visa, we decided to cross the border into cambodia. it seemed crazy to just step in and out, so we decided to see the wats (temples--some buddhist, some hindu). about 30 temples later, i decided that i couldn't stomach another temple, despite the fact that they were the most incredible and beautiful things i had ever seen. they are located in siem reap and after 4 days there, we took the bus south to phnom penh. i think that brings us to the present. sort of.
big and i are doing so well...
almost broke up after i last wrote to you. had a bit of an explosion, but no yelling--just honest communication,which was totally needed. we decided that we were 100% into eachother and that from that point on would communicate honestly about everything. then i got super sick--crazy fever and i just wanted to be home (and then i remembered that i don't have one). i never said goodbye to sally. she wouldn't even look at me when i last saw her and i never saw her when i got back from CT. we've started writing eachother over e-mail. really basic communication, but she sent me an e-card on my birthday, which was nice.
ok, so here comes the insanity...
big and i were out walking the streets several days back and stumbled upon this amazing little store (here on out referred to as [store X]). i fell in love with their product--BAGS!! well, big, quite the entrepeneur, says "wow, i'd love to import these to australia". and i think that's when it happened. he ran the idea by the shop owner (also the designer and company owner) and before we knew it, everything was full swing. we've been in and out of business meetings, design meetings. there's an opening of the new product line tomorrow that we are attending. it looks like i'll be business partner in all of this and working as a sales representative. it's all happened so fast and i don't know that i want to change my life all around for this, but it's all very exciting. big and i are both hesitant at times, but he says i can have as much or as little involvement as i want--he knows i don't like commitment. i'm excited.
so here's my problem with all of this...
big is great at listening to my input and hearing my concerns, but i feel like i'm about to be pushed to the side in all of this. he's brought his ex-girlfriend in to deal with the e-com side of everything and she's already running with it--talking marketing and bringing in other people. i know it's important to have everything covered, but FUCK--i don't want to be attached to the hip of his ex (who i kind of replaced and i think he was still sleeping with up until this past summer). it's a bit of jealousy, obviously, but i've all of a sudden become this background character to this overpowering business chick. i almost want out now and if offered a perminent position (on the right boat), i think i'd take it. i'm a leading lady, not an extra and i think if i were to walk out unexpectedly, it would be a really powerful statement. maybe my priorities are out of whack.
but for now...
i'm just going to go with the flow. i head to new zealand to babysit during the OB symposium on october 18th and will be in australia by november 1st. even if i'm a background character, i will just live off of big, sell bags, and surf. ha--and here i am complaining. on paper it all sounds just perfect. i'm going to be working with the designer on the prototype of what we're hoping to sell and am getting a custom bag to throw around and test (a bag that will ultimately be sold for at least $100). i'll try and get you one soon. also, if adam isn't around, what's your plan? i'll dump big, and we'll get an apartment in sydney and sell bags!! hehe.
i love you and miss you. ps--read "emergency sex"--it's my recent favorite book. you'll be addicted and you need to escape for a little while.
LO
VE,
LUCA.
sorry this was so long!!!
from Nix Mix <[nix_mix e-mail here]@gmail.com> wrote:
Hiiiiiiiiiiii
This is my new email address. trying to simplify things.
So sorry I haven't written back to you sooner.
I love you and I miss you and I need you more than ever.
i hope you are doing well. How are things with big? Better I hope. I hope you are find it easier to communicate.
I'm so happy for you and I am very glad you are doing this and doing something that Luca wants to do.
So, are you going to be headed to Austraila or not?
Sounds like you had an amazing birthday.
Again, sorry I'm just now commenting on things you wrote almost a month ago-- but--- as for the find faults in relationships thing- i really think that if it's not the right relationship for us to be with, its our subconscious way of trying to get out of the relationship. trust me- i've been in enough bad realtionships, enough that you have witnessed to know this is true. otherwise, things will find a way of working out. communication is key.
how did things work out with your mom before you left? i hope everything is okay with you two.
well, it's almost noon time here and i'm still in bed. i'm taking a mental health day today. woke up at 6am- walked downstairs and told my mom i wasn't going out on the boat today.
talked to Amix last night- and a whole bunch of shit has changed. i'm warning you- i'm going to sound very negative and bitchy becuase i've written several emails this morning to Navy people and other Navy wifes, filling them in on what's going on with us- but I can't vent and be bitchy to them cuase i'm afraid it will get back to amix.
so- here it goes.
was supposed to be leaving for italy the end of october. with amix. he's in san diego now doing some training that is supposed to end on the 17th. after arrival in sicily together- he was supposed to have a 3 week indoc course before getting assigned to his detatchment (det.). a det is a group of 6-8 people of which he will be in charge of. from there he would have several months work-up or prep time with them before being deployed. so this is what i thought would happen- travel over with husband, have plenty of time to find house and get settled, get a cat because i really want a fuckin cat- and then i prepare myself for his deployment.
so last night i get the call- and i knew this was going to fuckin happen- i new it- cuase everything was so goddamned perfect. he said that another officer in charge of a det. called him yesterday morning from italy. saying that his det and one other are doing joint team training in Norfolk together- preparing for deployment (i thnk to iraq). he says to amix that the other det needs an officer and he asked amix if he would be up for the job. of course, amix being the person he is gets all excited and says yes- which is really the only choice he had. so now looks as if he'll be leaving San Diego a day or to early to go to norfork for one month. during this time they are in the field the entire time practing and shit. from there- they go back to their unit in sicily- (amix will be getting there for the first time). then they have just a couple more weeks of really hard training there and then they deploy. adam is guessing that they will be deploying by the end of december, beginning of january. i have a terrible feeling it will be before xmas.
so in the meantime- i have no idea when i'm getting there. probably not until the end of november. i have no idea if i'm travelling with him or not. i have no idea if i'll even get to see him more than once or twice before he deploys.
i'm so frusterated and overwhelemed and def not ready for this yet. i knew it would happen sooner or later but i just haven't had any time to prepare myself for any of it. so of course as soon as he tells me last night i burst into tears and i'm in hysterics the entire time. he told me to be stronger and all this other bullshit. but i just can't yet cause it hasn't sunk in. i don't even know how long he'll be away for. there are dome det's that are deployed for a year at a time. i'm scared.
so i'm just being a negative asshole today and staying in bed.
well, i need an update on you and need things to distract my mind. sorry for this long sloppy email. i don't feel like spell checking so please ignore my spelling mistakes. i'm really not that stupid.
hope you're well and getting nice and tan.
i love you.
nix
[LUCA RESPONSE]
heyy!
i can't even tell you how perfect your timing is with this e-mail...
i'm lonely and desperate and would do anything to curl up with you on a couch and watch chick flicks--really sad ones, because i want to vent and cry and it sounds like you do too. i can't even comprehend your situation.you are way stronger than i am, because i could never commit to that. i'm proud of you. i really have no advice to give--blah blah blah stay strong bullshit. this must be so so hard for you. it really seems that amix has been dicked around from the begininning and it must be awful not knowing what lies ahead. it seems like a lot of waiting and must be extremely frustrating. amix must be excited that he is being deployed--send my congrats to him (as hard as that may be).
things here are a little insane...
i'm trying to just go with the flow. i'm in cambodia right now; phnom penh (capitol city). big and i left the white sandy beaches of koh penghan, thailand about two weeks ago ( i think. my time scale is all whacked). we spent a day in bangkok getting things figured out and, because big needed to renew his visa, we decided to cross the border into cambodia. it seemed crazy to just step in and out, so we decided to see the wats (temples--some buddhist, some hindu). about 30 temples later, i decided that i couldn't stomach another temple, despite the fact that they were the most incredible and beautiful things i had ever seen. they are located in siem reap and after 4 days there, we took the bus south to phnom penh. i think that brings us to the present. sort of.
big and i are doing so well...
almost broke up after i last wrote to you. had a bit of an explosion, but no yelling--just honest communication,which was totally needed. we decided that we were 100% into eachother and that from that point on would communicate honestly about everything. then i got super sick--crazy fever and i just wanted to be home (and then i remembered that i don't have one). i never said goodbye to sally. she wouldn't even look at me when i last saw her and i never saw her when i got back from CT. we've started writing eachother over e-mail. really basic communication, but she sent me an e-card on my birthday, which was nice.
ok, so here comes the insanity...
big and i were out walking the streets several days back and stumbled upon this amazing little store (here on out referred to as [store X]). i fell in love with their product--BAGS!! well, big, quite the entrepeneur, says "wow, i'd love to import these to australia". and i think that's when it happened. he ran the idea by the shop owner (also the designer and company owner) and before we knew it, everything was full swing. we've been in and out of business meetings, design meetings. there's an opening of the new product line tomorrow that we are attending. it looks like i'll be business partner in all of this and working as a sales representative. it's all happened so fast and i don't know that i want to change my life all around for this, but it's all very exciting. big and i are both hesitant at times, but he says i can have as much or as little involvement as i want--he knows i don't like commitment. i'm excited.
so here's my problem with all of this...
big is great at listening to my input and hearing my concerns, but i feel like i'm about to be pushed to the side in all of this. he's brought his ex-girlfriend in to deal with the e-com side of everything and she's already running with it--talking marketing and bringing in other people. i know it's important to have everything covered, but FUCK--i don't want to be attached to the hip of his ex (who i kind of replaced and i think he was still sleeping with up until this past summer). it's a bit of jealousy, obviously, but i've all of a sudden become this background character to this overpowering business chick. i almost want out now and if offered a perminent position (on the right boat), i think i'd take it. i'm a leading lady, not an extra and i think if i were to walk out unexpectedly, it would be a really powerful statement. maybe my priorities are out of whack.
but for now...
i'm just going to go with the flow. i head to new zealand to babysit during the OB symposium on october 18th and will be in australia by november 1st. even if i'm a background character, i will just live off of big, sell bags, and surf. ha--and here i am complaining. on paper it all sounds just perfect. i'm going to be working with the designer on the prototype of what we're hoping to sell and am getting a custom bag to throw around and test (a bag that will ultimately be sold for at least $100). i'll try and get you one soon. also, if adam isn't around, what's your plan? i'll dump big, and we'll get an apartment in sydney and sell bags!! hehe.
i love you and miss you. ps--read "emergency sex"--it's my recent favorite book. you'll be addicted and you need to escape for a little while.
LO
VE,
LUCA.
sorry this was so long!!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
i just spent an hour and a half at the bookstore on 240 street. i left empty handed. walked back to the guest house and on my way, decided that if other people's books can't inspire me, i'll just write my own. but i'm travelling with a light pack and my computer is in storage in bangkok. clearly can't handwrite a book. absurd.
as i walk, i think about what makes a good book and decide it needs to fly by. easy to follow and rapid time progression (or percieved time progression). personally, as a reader, i like finishing--and i finish quickly when a book just moves me along. upon finishing, i can then prove myself as an educated, intelligent reader. "why, yes--i did read that. wasn't the protagonist just fascinating?"
check! another book finished, another badge earned.
so i decide my book will have a contrived progression--maybe a countdown or dated entries. and they'll be short entries and the reader will feel like they are getting somewhere--even if my writing sucks and they are just reading in circles.
as i walk, i think about what makes a good book and decide it needs to fly by. easy to follow and rapid time progression (or percieved time progression). personally, as a reader, i like finishing--and i finish quickly when a book just moves me along. upon finishing, i can then prove myself as an educated, intelligent reader. "why, yes--i did read that. wasn't the protagonist just fascinating?"
check! another book finished, another badge earned.
so i decide my book will have a contrived progression--maybe a countdown or dated entries. and they'll be short entries and the reader will feel like they are getting somewhere--even if my writing sucks and they are just reading in circles.
i decide that writing a book without any content is a fucking waste of time, so i make a second trip to the bookstore--a different one. the one at the center of town--same name, but they deal in new and used, so there's a different selection. big brings over a book that he says he enjoyed--a river sutra. i'm on page 6 and have returned to writing despite my lack of computer--and lack of content.
i'm in cambodia, on a hammock, and it is raining--the sky is a consistent whitish grey and the music in this common area of the guest house is way too loud.
there are several people here--reading, lounging. there's a woman sitting on a red cushion about 15 feet away. she's wearing a denim jumper, but it doesn't suit her or really fit that well. i've seen her a couple of times in this common area. she never looks comfortable with herself and there is something awkward about her. i've concluded that i am superior to her and am frustrated with myself for my natural shallow tendencies of unjustifiable judgement. out of the corner of my eye, i can see that she's watching me as i write. she stares while moving awkwardly to the loud music. she looks as though she is intrigued by me--and my writing. maybe she's watching me before she gets enough courage to ask me about what i am writing. perhaps she simply wants to befriend me. i don't give her the time of day.
when did i become so cruel?
i think about this question that i've intended to be rhetorical and after about 10 seconds decide it was some time between high school graduation and freshman year of college. since then, there have been bouts of good and eras of evil. i blame 9 years of living in pure dysfunction with sally and matt. it's my easy out, but i happily take it.
between me and the inferior staring denim jumper wearer, is big. he's reading the book that i finished this morning--the one that sent me scouring the shelves of phnom penh. there is awkward air between us and i know it's solely dependent on the fact that i was a complete shit to him after our [product X] meeting with j&e. i don't know what my problem was. is, rather. i'm still being a little bitch.
the house's dog wanders over and plops down next to the hammock. i rub him and pat him and he soaks it up as if he doesn't get much attention. the workers all look over in what i pretend to be amazement and i secretly want them to tell me i'm the only guest the dog has ever allowed to touch him. as i look over to jumper wearer, i wonder why i need this upper hand. i pat the dog as we make eye contact.
i pretend she's jealous.
she stands up to leave and my focus shifts to big. he's clenching his jaw as he reads. in the time that i have known him, about a year and a half now, i've associated his jaw clenching with him thinking and i wonder if he is really reading or just thinking behind the protection of EMERGENCY SEX. good book. good title. i wonder what i will name my book. wonder if people will read it. do i want people to read it? i picture oprah adding it to her booklist and bringing me onto her show. i've always wanted to be famous.
"hello. i'm luca--the judgemental, heartless, bore you've all read about. thanks for having me, oprah. hello america."
i'm in cambodia, on a hammock, and it is raining--the sky is a consistent whitish grey and the music in this common area of the guest house is way too loud.
there are several people here--reading, lounging. there's a woman sitting on a red cushion about 15 feet away. she's wearing a denim jumper, but it doesn't suit her or really fit that well. i've seen her a couple of times in this common area. she never looks comfortable with herself and there is something awkward about her. i've concluded that i am superior to her and am frustrated with myself for my natural shallow tendencies of unjustifiable judgement. out of the corner of my eye, i can see that she's watching me as i write. she stares while moving awkwardly to the loud music. she looks as though she is intrigued by me--and my writing. maybe she's watching me before she gets enough courage to ask me about what i am writing. perhaps she simply wants to befriend me. i don't give her the time of day.
when did i become so cruel?
i think about this question that i've intended to be rhetorical and after about 10 seconds decide it was some time between high school graduation and freshman year of college. since then, there have been bouts of good and eras of evil. i blame 9 years of living in pure dysfunction with sally and matt. it's my easy out, but i happily take it.
between me and the inferior staring denim jumper wearer, is big. he's reading the book that i finished this morning--the one that sent me scouring the shelves of phnom penh. there is awkward air between us and i know it's solely dependent on the fact that i was a complete shit to him after our [product X] meeting with j&e. i don't know what my problem was. is, rather. i'm still being a little bitch.
the house's dog wanders over and plops down next to the hammock. i rub him and pat him and he soaks it up as if he doesn't get much attention. the workers all look over in what i pretend to be amazement and i secretly want them to tell me i'm the only guest the dog has ever allowed to touch him. as i look over to jumper wearer, i wonder why i need this upper hand. i pat the dog as we make eye contact.
i pretend she's jealous.
she stands up to leave and my focus shifts to big. he's clenching his jaw as he reads. in the time that i have known him, about a year and a half now, i've associated his jaw clenching with him thinking and i wonder if he is really reading or just thinking behind the protection of EMERGENCY SEX. good book. good title. i wonder what i will name my book. wonder if people will read it. do i want people to read it? i picture oprah adding it to her booklist and bringing me onto her show. i've always wanted to be famous.
"hello. i'm luca--the judgemental, heartless, bore you've all read about. thanks for having me, oprah. hello america."
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