the idea of being attached to the hip of big's ex-girlfriends is infuriating. "i know, "let's call [girlfriend X] to the rescue." the fact that it's the first thing that gushes out of his mouth is just starnge to me. sweet, and let's invite her for a sleepover too. it's a bit of jealousy, but also the fact that he gives these woman say prior to giving it to me. plus, i guess i don't really want to be in a relationship where my partner's entourage is made up of the women he's screwed over the past ten years. vomit. i dunno, it just doesn't really appeal.

I feel like a kid that misbehaved during class and for punishment is now restricted from next week’s field trip. Maybe the only similarities are the cause and effect—misbehavior and restriction. If it were as simple as a student being barred from the MET, I’d simply throw a tantrum and have my mother call to reverse the sentence. But that’s not the case. Instead, my whole world is once again upside down and I’m left kicking for the chair just inches below my feet as I dangle from the rope tied to the ceiling beam. What a waste of time and energy this has been. That’s where I am at today, anyway. Yesterday was better—I was more understanding and less dramatic, but today I can’t help myself. I’m in world behind my eyeballs and I can’t force bubbly caitlin out. I now have less than a month to figure out my next chapter and as of yesterday it does not resemble anything I had previously conjured. [CHAPTER 3—Luca returns to the US with her tail between her legs. She is homeless, carless, and jobless.] Who knows, maybe if I’m a good girl I’ll be allowed to continue on to AUS.

…But for now: slap on the wrist, “Bad Luca, no Australia for you”.

I pooped today and it smelled like mango. I’m perfectly fine with that.

I’m getting more and more used to just doing nothing. I am less stressed than I have been. I am fine that too.

I saw a snake in the water this morning. It was the color of the sand and in a massive coil. My earring fell out and was lying on the bottom about 2 feet away. I got it and scurried out in a semi-panicked way.

Big and I suck lately. I’m just today beginning to like him again, but I’m pretty sure he likes me less. Probably because I have been a shit these past few days. I’m not sure what our problem is—what my problem is. I’m just slightly off. Big says it’s soul delay—I like the idea. My soul hasn’t quite caught up after traveling. And I guess now, that I am in this remote cove and not accessible by road, it hasn’t quite found me. Maybe it’ll arrive for my birthday tomorrow.

I’m in Koh Phangan. I feel ridiculous. I’m surrounded by beautiful people in a beautiful cove with excellent food and have a perfect bungalow. Just slightly out of place. I should be working.

I love it here though. It’s more resorty than I had thought it would be—had been anticipating a less discovered/more third world feel. The water is breathtaking. It’s very close to our bungalow—the crashing waves kept me up late.

We will probably stay here for at least two weeks, which means my birthday will be spent here. I think I’m happy about that. Hopefully we will have a few more friends by then. A friend from Boston happened to be staying here as well. So strange, but Big had recommended it to him knowing that he was heading to Thailand and he stayed a while longer knowing that we were on our way out.

I have stupid hair and miss my straightener. Most of the time it doesn’t even look like it’s attached to my head—just off in its own little absurd world. The other women here have wonderful hair. I don’t quite understand. Hopefully I’m only looking ridiculous to myself.

I’m having a hard time falling back into relationship mode. I think I am used to being the dominant one in a relationship, but I definitely cower and default to Big. I am trying not to. I need to work on being more independent—primarily in social settings. I’m feeling weak and lame.

He has been semi-snotty and I don’t like how he acts when he doesn’t get his way. I had only seen this once back in the states. Irritated that our service was slow—got bratty and was rude to our server. It’s happening more here—maybe a superiority thing? Got rude with a tailor, because the clothes didn’t quite fit and again when instant coffee was brought and not filter. It really got to me. Both seemed so minor.

Hopefully, he gets over himself and this is the last I’ll ever complain about him.

PS—sex in Bangkok was incredible.

This plane smells like vomit and diarrhea. It is possible that somebody yacked in the ventilation system and now the smell of it is being distributed throughout the plane. I’m heading to Detroit now. There is a big football type sitting next to me—about my age and I can’t help thinking about H on my mid-may Logan to Seattle trip. I think I am in love with him.

Football dude is not my type, but it would be nice to have someone to chat with. I’m bored out of my mind. He’s glued to the window. I guess I’ll just sit here and type.

I never said goodbye to Sally. Maybe I will call from Michigan. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t have service where she is and the only number I have for her is her cell. I’ll leave a message.

Yesterday, I spent the day making Scab a birthday gift. It came out fairly well—I think she’ll like it. She may not love the picture, but hopefully she’ll get over it—it was the only one that fit. I printed it as an 8x10, framed it, and hung it on her wall with a bow. God, I am good—a little last minute, but good nonetheless.

Well, here I am. Back in my room, but it isn’t my room anymore. If I were to yell, it would probably echo, but I’m too nervous to yell. Sally isn’t here, but I still feel like I am walking on eggshells. I returned from CT today. My dad drove me back up—in his minivan. I felt like I was in junior high.

There is nothing here of mine except for the two bags that I fly out with tomorrow and my laptop. The only thing that I had left in my room was a world map on the west wall. Quite symbolic. Ha. Sally clearly hadn’t seen the humor in it and had ripped it down. It was on the floor.

CT was good. Quaint. I felt out of place—I always do when I am there. I try to mold—to the best of my ability. It’s a little bizarre. A middle class dreamland—cul-de-sac and all. Modular home, 3 athletic sons, big yard with a garden, big screen TV, blonde mom (5’8”, 120 lbs; runner), and a pug. My dad has a ride-on mower. It’s eerie. I got a pedicure and found myself frequently clicking aimlessly through their bajillion digital cable channels.

My stomach is all knotted and being ridiculous. I have the shits. I think it is a culmination of things—flying, leaving for an indefinite period of time, losing my best friend/mother, lack of support, too little time in a day. My flight is from Logan at noon. Logan to Detroit to Narita and then to Bangkok. Big will meet me at the airport. I miss him. I’ve been having terrible dreams about him, though. Dreams where he is constantly with other woman. In reality, I don’t know that I’d mind him being with other woman, but in the dreams I am insecure and crazy and I wake up all edgy. Edgy—I think that accurately sums up the past couple of weeks.

Sally is crazier than my words can possibly convey. I understand that she may be jealous, lonely, and feel that she is lacking support, but my staying could not possibly help her. She is a financial nightmare—the money pit to end all money pits. I’ll send money when I can. Attempts at selling el carro have been useless. I think I’ll donate her to public radio. If Sally could sell her, I’d be fine with her keeping the money—she needs it. I can survive without it—at least for a little while. She doesn’t see clearly on this and prefers screaming at me to get rid of it. PLAN A: a “for sale” sign. PLAN B: scream it out of your driveway.

Talking reasonably with her is futile—her word choice is impeccable and she is more persuasive than the most persuasive thing you can possibly think of. By the end of most conversations you are nodding in agreement with her and everything you thought you stood for is out the window. I’m not willing to put myself in that situation. I’m leaving—I have to. I’ll lose my mind here.

Onto brighter things: all of my shit is about packed—4 garbage bags of clothes going to goodwill, 2 bags going to the consignment shop, 1 laundry basket filled with shit going to the dump’s “Boutique”, and 1 garbage bag going to the good ol’ dump itself. Sigh. And it will still be a tight car to CT. Good tunes, good company, your nightmare of a cat, and a car filled with all the shit you own—nothing like it.

I’m feeling too stressed and serious. I need drugs—CT should be good for that. Sigh.

this is how i write when i am being serious. a letter to big that sums up my current situation...

"BIG,
I’ve been unable to call you on the number that you texted me from. I’ve sent a few texts—I’m not sure if you’ve received them. I’m having a difficult time here.

I’m doing everything in my power to restrain myself from canceling my ticket. I’m sure this does not come as a surprise to you. I could see it in your eyes, prior to your leaving, that you had little faith in me honoring it. I’m still planning to fly the 2nd—and I want to…more than anything.

Sally and I really haven’t spoken since that phone call in JP. I had figured her reason for being upset had to do with my leaving the nest. Now, I think it’s more that she had been planning on my support after my time at –JOB—. I received a phone call from my aunt last night begging me to stay in the states. Between calling me immature, self-centered, and a terrible daughter, she informed me that my mom was contemplating suicide.

This has happened before, but it’s different this time. I feel like my leaving could be her tipping point. My aunt asked me to stay to support my mom and sisters until my mom was back on her feet—who knows when that will be…

I realize that it’s not my responsibility to support them, but I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I leave in the midst of this. And if my mom were to do herself in, I’d have more self-blame than I could handle.

On top of this, the doctors have found something on one of my mom’s kidneys. She will not be taking any further action with it and has made it clear that she is giving up all fights—financial, personal, medical, etc.

Sally has cooled down significantly since last night, however, as of this morning, Wilhem is not moving in and she is planning her move to VT (without my sisters). I do not know how I could help the situation if I stayed—financial support, more suicidal tendencies?

I am sorry to burden you with all of this—I’m just really lacking support right now and I am out of places to turn. I’d love to hear your take on all of this.

I am still planning to move all of my stuff down to CT on Monday and fly on the 2nd. Hopefully, I will find support in CT. I love you and I miss you.

LUCA"

it wasn't until yesterday that i went to astrologyzone.com. big had warned me prior to going out on course and advised that i not read it until i returned. august 22nd and just reading my monthly horoscope...what is happening to me?

basically, august is a rollercoaster month for me, but i'm a wonderful little coping virgo. what's new?

bits and pieces from susan miller:
susan: "Be good to yourself, dear Virgo. You often put others first, but this month, you'd be wise to find time for yourself, perhaps by treating yourself to a massage or for quiet walks after dinner." luca: "or a trip to thailand?"

susan: "Your focus will be a close partner who will act in a surprising, erratic, or even shocking way, and in so doing stir your emotions very deeply at this time. You may break things off or be given a shocking revelation, leaving you feeling shaken and spent. At all times, remain philosophical - you need to know the truth." luca: "sighh."

sally is being insane. she called the other night when i was having dinner with friends. pulled her crazy jealous, flip out, "i never travel, but you do" shit. kicked me out, so now, along with the whole "2 weeks to prep for leaving the country for several months" shit, i need to miraculously move (carless) to an attic in connecticut. shoot me in the temple now.

oh susan, i am trying to cope. really, i am.

i have a new watch. someone left it on the island and now it is mine. i like it a lot. i leave for thailand in two weeks. i will sleep until then. i am exhausted.

my course was borderline nightmarish. i had a student that was just an asshole. there is really no way around it. i know i'm not supposed to talk about students that way, but it's just fact. he fought everything i said. it sucked. i'm glad i'm done. i need this break.

i've tried counting it all out and, assuming that i do not run out of money (which is a deifnite possibility), i will be away for about 4 months. my time will be spent between thailand and austrailia. big leaves tomorrow and i'll meet up with him in bangkok. and then we'll probably have sweet, passionate, insane, bankokian sex, because that's just what we do. except it usually isn't bankokian, because we've never had sex in bangkok before.

i'm excited about leaving, which is funny, because i feel like i haven't been excited since i was 7. that's probably bullshit, but it's good to know that it can still happen. i'm a little petrified about going to sydney, though. when i first met big he was still in a relationship with a woman in sydney. it wasn't made clear to me until several months into our relationship, but as we continued it became more and more evident that there was some definite overlap. i learned fairly late in the game that she was still living in his house (bleghhh). i guess i just don't know fully where that relationship is and i don't want to be little miss america drama bullshit in austrailia. i hate that shit. i need a nap.

a successful day with google image search. i think i'm in love.

i start course prep tomorrow. my time off is over. i do not feel rested. i went to the cape for some recoop time, but it turned into a stress fest. the holiday house alone was enough to send me into a panic attack. a small cape belonging to a coworker's deceased grandmother. italian american grandmother. basically, take a bunch of crucifixes, some last supper reprints, ultra gaudy 1930s furniture, and some creepy family photos and throw them up all over a little cottage and add an old lady/mildew smell. take this and intensify your current mental picture...that should just about sum it up.

i enjoyed my time with big. he stressed me out, though. incessantly talked about future plans and tried to alter my look. i guess i need to look more conservative to work on yachts. i personally find 0g ears and dark red streaks very pretty, but i guess the yacht-owning population prefers a more classic look. egh.

he leaves for thailand soon. right around the time i go back out into the field. and then i need to scrounge up enough money to join him. i can tell he doesn't think i'll be able to pull it off. he hasn't come directly out and said this, but i think he's pushing me away with the thought that these next two days could very well be the end. and he's not completely off. i'm a money pit. i spend it like i have it.

he met my dad's side of the family yesterday. it went surprisingly well. they all loved him and he seemed to enjoy them as well. i was nervous about how my dad would react. i mean, he was aware of the age difference, but he could have very easily played the overprotective card. linda, my step-mum, really liked him. really really liked him. i'm not nervous yet, but seeing as how big is closer in age (two years older) to her than me, i'll be sure to keep a watchful eye. ha. how very very odd.

i'm back from course. i didn't make it clear that i was leaving, but just know that i'm back now. i have four days off. just enough time to get over my culture shock and then i head back out. sweet.

i'm currently covered in chocolate frosting, because i've forgotten how to eat in a civilized manner. i feel ridiculous and there are way too many people around. the music here is loud and it is stressing me out. i have gotten better since my return, though. i mean, at least i'm no longer flinching everytime a car drives by.

i had sex for the first time since i've been back. i giggled my way through it and couldn't take it seriously or get into it. i guess that's what happens when you push sex from you mind for two weeks and spend 24/7 with twelve 14 year olds on a 28-foot boat. it was still fun. ridiculous, but fun nonetheless.

these are my current stresses:
1) my macbook is a horrendous piece of ultra slow crap
2) my bank account was in the red for my entire course and a brilliant portion of my paycheck went towards it
3) my shitbox car did not sell and currently has a flat tire
4) there are not enough hours in the day
5) my wisdom teeth are coming in and they make me want to hurl
6) my paycheck is just about all spent and i don't have enough money for my ticket to thailand
7) the humidity is giving me fright hair
8) my license is being held up and it probably has something to do with me being completely irresponsible
9) i'm suffering from a cedric-induced emotional rollercoaster
10) i am completely exhausted from pulling 20 hour days

this picture pretty much sums it up. sigh. today i'm the one on the left (happy, but totally sucking it in).

you can compliment me on the style of my hair
give me marks out of ten for the clothes i wear
you probably thought i had more upstairs
i disappoint you, i can see through your perfect smile
CAMERA OBSCURA

i'm unbelievably fuckin' happy.

i passed my final shit-ass exam today and now i'm a 500GT ocean mate (100GT ocean master). this basically means that i've alleviated a significant source of stress and can now focus on more important things. like coffee, sex, and money. it also means that my head has grown significantly and pretty soon my, already too scrawny, neck will be unable to support it. and it also means that i can be a mate on big boats (and master on smaller boats) on the ocean (which is better than rivers, lakes, harbors, and near coastal waters). yay.

i'm in the north end and at a wonderful little coffee shop and i'm alone and beaming ridiculously. smiling is ok when other people are around, but when you smile by yourself you just look like a fool. i do anyway. i think the men next to me are mafia and they keep giving me the death stare. i just keep beaming. i can't help it.

ok, the men next to me are definitely mafia. i love them. one is about 32 and pretty damn hot. nice italian shoes and a good accent. the other guy is bigger, louder, and funnier. he's selling and buying and selling. and probably killing people too. and then there is another older man that doesn't say anything--the godfather. i don't even know what that means.

they're filming a movie across the street. i think. that's what i've gathered from the conversations around me. i want to be in it. i could be a star. i want to model. i want to be seen. clothed, nude, high fashion, overweight...it doesn't matter. maybe i'll be discovered today.

the guys next to me are definitely mafia. this is great coffee shop excitement. i should come here more often.

...and the shopping list continues:
dried mango, chocolate covered ginger, sun block

...and a todo list is added:
get tides and currents, get lyrics for various top 40 songs, sell gert

i'm feeling ultra drab and have been faking it since sunday. no spark, passion, enthusiasm. i'm sure i'm just delightful to be around. took a massive test today and should have failed it, but the proctor was rooting for me; changed one of my answers and gave me two to check. surprise surprise, i got a 100. i still feel like a failure.

i'm thinking that after course i'd like to buy a 'round the world ticket. convenient that gert got a bite today--$1900. "SOLD to the nutbag that wants her"!!

i need to go shopping for course:
3 avocado, 2 salami, kalamata olives, baby wipes, capers, carrot juice, beets, goldbond powder, cashews, sesame sticks, chocolate covered espresso beans, tea, spinach

had a super crazy dream where i was fooling around with sarah (who, honestly, i've never been attracted to). not saying that i haven't been attracted to girls. i have. even had girls i've wanted to fuck around with. she's not one of them, i promise. anyway, the dream bugged me all day yesterday. i'm over it.

on tuesday, i was convinced that i was pregnant. i began to pick out names. on wednesday, i punched myself in the stomach repeatedly. i even threw myself over a chair. on thursday, i got my period. i like to think the punching had something to do with it. guess i'll never know. i'll just keeping railing on myself everytime i'm a little late.

i took the bus to see calen yesterday. he's been in the area for a week now and it happened to work out that we had time off that coincided. i'm absolutely in love with him. it's really quite ridiculous. about four years now. four years and not even a drunken make-out sess. like i said, really quite ridiculous.

he slept on the floor and i took a couch. made some awkward exchanges about comfort level just before crashing. could have easily joined him on the floor if i hadn't been such a candy. i would have felt guilty today though...seeing big and all. sex would have been nice.

it's been a year now with big. a year, several paid flights, and some pretty full on sex. rough. could be rougher.

he's driving me crazy today, though. it could very easily have to do with the fact that i have my period, but he's totally intruding on my bubble and being ridiculously needy. i'm feeling smothered and earlier considered stabbing him with potato peeler. thought better of it. but seriously, one would think that at his age, the needy immature shit would have ceased. maybe it never does. how very very disappointing.

dating someone that is closer in age to my parents has been interesting to say the least. fun, exciting, and risky at first, but i think it's beginning to lose the appeal. lately i've been more concerned with other people's opinions than consumed in the raw attraction and i'm distancing myself. i guess i do enjoy the idea of having a "sugar daddy". it sounds trashy, but it's funny what people can get used to. and funny what becomes "normal" after a while.