i guess i write when i have problems or when i'm troubled. usually by a relationship. i'm pety and pathetic. oh well.

it's been a year and a half since big and i first started dating. maybe that's why i'm looking for issues in the relationship. i think i'm beginning to think that it's too good to be true, so i'm assuming he's cheating or has cheated. i'll never know.

if he has, i hope he'll admit to it. and i'll just walk away. maybe cry a lot first, then just walk away. and never date again. and i swear i won't.

but hopefully he hasn't, because i love him to pieces and he gives off the same.

the lyrics to "lloyd i'm ready to be heartbroken" are playing through my head. i don't know what they're about. i think heartbreak, jealousy, and blow. if big has been with other women during our relationship, i think i'll be able to relate well. right now i'm just hitting the jealousy bit. stop stop stop.

*He said “I’ll protect you like you are the crown jewels” yet
Said he’s feeling sorrier for me the more I behave badly I can bet--
Hey Lloyd I’m ready to be heartbroken
I can’t see further than my own nose at the moment--
Jealousy is more than a word now I understand
I know you can stay a girl by holding a boy’s hand--
I’ve got my life of complication here to sort out
I’ll take myself to an east coast city and walk about*

paul was right. i love paul. find a hobby, you need a hobby. he may be my savior. he just seemed to get it. sure, he was a little weird (the whole aura reading bit), but i think he was real. and he was honest. paul from QF128, if you're reading this, "thank you".