meet jared...

Exactly one month after I turned 18, I fell madly in love—pathetic, sappy, skip through fields of tulips bullshit. Basically, it was a boy on a boat—tattoos from head to toe—and I thought he was perfect. And we were like magnets. We couldn’t help ourselves. We even looked alike—one of those couples where people wondered if we were brother and sister or fucking. And this is Jared.

Our first kiss was on the beach and during it, the waves crashed around our ankles. It was like the shit from the movies—for about a month and a half. And then he flew to New Zealand. But he came back and surprised me for Christmas and things were good again. And then he took a job in the Caribbean. Three months later, he flew me down—I had gotten fat, but he didn’t seem to mind.

I’d cry every time he left. For days. I’d puke and I wouldn’t eat—couldn’t eat. And then one day I just stopped crying and moved on. There was some fighting in there somewhere—some cheating too, but reflecting on it all 5 years later, it seems as if he just vanished from my life at the snap of a finger.

After we broke up, we didn’t speak for months—probably about nine. And after that, we spoke about twice a year. And that continued for four years. And I guess that takes us to the present.

We’ve seen each other twice in the past week and a half. The first time in five years. The feelings are still there—and that magnetic pull that has been there forever. We look alike, talk alike. I feel like we come from the same place: divorced parents, bumfuck Connecticut, no money, big dreams, yada yada. I still love him.

He’s asked me to leave Sydney and move to PT with him. I don’t know if I’m considering it. Every wish for two and a half years involved him—us getting back together and such. And now it’s like all of those wishes are coming true and I’m wishing they weren’t. I don’t know what I want. Possibly a break. A break from everyone—head off on my own for a while. I don’t remember what it’s like to be single. I just move from one to the next.

Emotionally intense night. Too much wine and too much touching (for a girl in a magnificent relationship). Sigh.