i have a really strong urge to smoke. it's really strange, because i haven't in a while. well, it's been a month, but that's not what i mean. it's been years since i've smoked regularly. five since i quit.

i remember the first day of freshman orientation. the first person i met, standing there in line waiting for all of those damn papers, was katie. i decided that her and i were going to be great friends. we weren't. my mom was with me and i didn't feel dorky about it, because i, without a doubt, had the coolest mom there. i think she was even mistaken for a student. i watched all of the kids go through the line, get their dictionary's worth of forms—student schedules, various medical forms, surveys, the works. and then it was my turn. i had spent the day rolling my eyes at all of it and this stupid line wasn't any different. student schedule—check. med forms—check. and then there was this one yellow form...

"ms. makyl, this form needs to be turned in before the first day of classes. it just says you consent to random drug testing."

FUCK.

my mom just cut me this glance like, "you little shit, you've totally blown this." i just stopped dead and looked at her waiting for her to fix it. pull clean pee out of purse. something. anything. and because i had just been taking forms and rolling my eyes—just going through the motions, i hadn't even heard anything besides "DRUG TESTING". i don't know what i thought—maybe that at the end of the form tables was a pee station—that i was getting booted right then and there.

FUCK.

and i guess that's the day i quit. i hadn't planned on it or really even considered stopping and then "kabaam". fucking yellow form.