and maybe this is the love letter i should have given you years ago,
but never took the time to write it all out. figuring you'd always be around.
strong and stable and committed.
and i took you for granted. and you knew it. and you let me.
and i walked all over you. and you knew it.
i became a joke to you. you rolled your eyes with every new adventure.
and then i dicked you around. used you. and you knew it.
i wanted to change. just couldn't.
i called you on your birthday. to give you something to cling to.
a reason to wait for me. and you did. for so long.
and maybe you still are. and i'm sorry.

i miss the drives. the routine. even the weather that i pretended to hate.
the gifts you'd bring. coffees in the morning, because you knew i wouldn't have time.
or money. and the money you gave. so much. and i inhaled it.
i loved the dinners. looking at you over candles.
shadows on your face. your eyes so sunken. and you loved me so much.
and i was mean. cruel, heartless. would say the meanest things i could muster.
and sometimes you'd cry. and i never apologized, because i was always right.
but i'm apologizing now. and i miss you so much.
maybe this permanent lump in my throat is for you.
a constant reminder of how i've hurt you. used you.
and shit, i miss you. i miss you so much.