on tuesday, i was convinced that i was pregnant. i began to pick out names. on wednesday, i punched myself in the stomach repeatedly. i even threw myself over a chair. on thursday, i got my period. i like to think the punching had something to do with it. guess i'll never know. i'll just keeping railing on myself everytime i'm a little late.

i took the bus to see calen yesterday. he's been in the area for a week now and it happened to work out that we had time off that coincided. i'm absolutely in love with him. it's really quite ridiculous. about four years now. four years and not even a drunken make-out sess. like i said, really quite ridiculous.

he slept on the floor and i took a couch. made some awkward exchanges about comfort level just before crashing. could have easily joined him on the floor if i hadn't been such a candy. i would have felt guilty today though...seeing big and all. sex would have been nice.

it's been a year now with big. a year, several paid flights, and some pretty full on sex. rough. could be rougher.

he's driving me crazy today, though. it could very easily have to do with the fact that i have my period, but he's totally intruding on my bubble and being ridiculously needy. i'm feeling smothered and earlier considered stabbing him with potato peeler. thought better of it. but seriously, one would think that at his age, the needy immature shit would have ceased. maybe it never does. how very very disappointing.

dating someone that is closer in age to my parents has been interesting to say the least. fun, exciting, and risky at first, but i think it's beginning to lose the appeal. lately i've been more concerned with other people's opinions than consumed in the raw attraction and i'm distancing myself. i guess i do enjoy the idea of having a "sugar daddy". it sounds trashy, but it's funny what people can get used to. and funny what becomes "normal" after a while.