i'm back from course. i didn't make it clear that i was leaving, but just know that i'm back now. i have four days off. just enough time to get over my culture shock and then i head back out. sweet.

i'm currently covered in chocolate frosting, because i've forgotten how to eat in a civilized manner. i feel ridiculous and there are way too many people around. the music here is loud and it is stressing me out. i have gotten better since my return, though. i mean, at least i'm no longer flinching everytime a car drives by.

i had sex for the first time since i've been back. i giggled my way through it and couldn't take it seriously or get into it. i guess that's what happens when you push sex from you mind for two weeks and spend 24/7 with twelve 14 year olds on a 28-foot boat. it was still fun. ridiculous, but fun nonetheless.

these are my current stresses:
1) my macbook is a horrendous piece of ultra slow crap
2) my bank account was in the red for my entire course and a brilliant portion of my paycheck went towards it
3) my shitbox car did not sell and currently has a flat tire
4) there are not enough hours in the day
5) my wisdom teeth are coming in and they make me want to hurl
6) my paycheck is just about all spent and i don't have enough money for my ticket to thailand
7) the humidity is giving me fright hair
8) my license is being held up and it probably has something to do with me being completely irresponsible
9) i'm suffering from a cedric-induced emotional rollercoaster
10) i am completely exhausted from pulling 20 hour days

this picture pretty much sums it up. sigh. today i'm the one on the left (happy, but totally sucking it in).

you can compliment me on the style of my hair
give me marks out of ten for the clothes i wear
you probably thought i had more upstairs
i disappoint you, i can see through your perfect smile
CAMERA OBSCURA

i'm unbelievably fuckin' happy.

i passed my final shit-ass exam today and now i'm a 500GT ocean mate (100GT ocean master). this basically means that i've alleviated a significant source of stress and can now focus on more important things. like coffee, sex, and money. it also means that my head has grown significantly and pretty soon my, already too scrawny, neck will be unable to support it. and it also means that i can be a mate on big boats (and master on smaller boats) on the ocean (which is better than rivers, lakes, harbors, and near coastal waters). yay.

i'm in the north end and at a wonderful little coffee shop and i'm alone and beaming ridiculously. smiling is ok when other people are around, but when you smile by yourself you just look like a fool. i do anyway. i think the men next to me are mafia and they keep giving me the death stare. i just keep beaming. i can't help it.

ok, the men next to me are definitely mafia. i love them. one is about 32 and pretty damn hot. nice italian shoes and a good accent. the other guy is bigger, louder, and funnier. he's selling and buying and selling. and probably killing people too. and then there is another older man that doesn't say anything--the godfather. i don't even know what that means.

they're filming a movie across the street. i think. that's what i've gathered from the conversations around me. i want to be in it. i could be a star. i want to model. i want to be seen. clothed, nude, high fashion, overweight...it doesn't matter. maybe i'll be discovered today.

the guys next to me are definitely mafia. this is great coffee shop excitement. i should come here more often.

...and the shopping list continues:
dried mango, chocolate covered ginger, sun block

...and a todo list is added:
get tides and currents, get lyrics for various top 40 songs, sell gert

i'm feeling ultra drab and have been faking it since sunday. no spark, passion, enthusiasm. i'm sure i'm just delightful to be around. took a massive test today and should have failed it, but the proctor was rooting for me; changed one of my answers and gave me two to check. surprise surprise, i got a 100. i still feel like a failure.

i'm thinking that after course i'd like to buy a 'round the world ticket. convenient that gert got a bite today--$1900. "SOLD to the nutbag that wants her"!!

i need to go shopping for course:
3 avocado, 2 salami, kalamata olives, baby wipes, capers, carrot juice, beets, goldbond powder, cashews, sesame sticks, chocolate covered espresso beans, tea, spinach

had a super crazy dream where i was fooling around with sarah (who, honestly, i've never been attracted to). not saying that i haven't been attracted to girls. i have. even had girls i've wanted to fuck around with. she's not one of them, i promise. anyway, the dream bugged me all day yesterday. i'm over it.

on tuesday, i was convinced that i was pregnant. i began to pick out names. on wednesday, i punched myself in the stomach repeatedly. i even threw myself over a chair. on thursday, i got my period. i like to think the punching had something to do with it. guess i'll never know. i'll just keeping railing on myself everytime i'm a little late.

i took the bus to see calen yesterday. he's been in the area for a week now and it happened to work out that we had time off that coincided. i'm absolutely in love with him. it's really quite ridiculous. about four years now. four years and not even a drunken make-out sess. like i said, really quite ridiculous.

he slept on the floor and i took a couch. made some awkward exchanges about comfort level just before crashing. could have easily joined him on the floor if i hadn't been such a candy. i would have felt guilty today though...seeing big and all. sex would have been nice.

it's been a year now with big. a year, several paid flights, and some pretty full on sex. rough. could be rougher.

he's driving me crazy today, though. it could very easily have to do with the fact that i have my period, but he's totally intruding on my bubble and being ridiculously needy. i'm feeling smothered and earlier considered stabbing him with potato peeler. thought better of it. but seriously, one would think that at his age, the needy immature shit would have ceased. maybe it never does. how very very disappointing.

dating someone that is closer in age to my parents has been interesting to say the least. fun, exciting, and risky at first, but i think it's beginning to lose the appeal. lately i've been more concerned with other people's opinions than consumed in the raw attraction and i'm distancing myself. i guess i do enjoy the idea of having a "sugar daddy". it sounds trashy, but it's funny what people can get used to. and funny what becomes "normal" after a while.